update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

naruto. yeah.

it's official, i'm now trash. but before i talk about my spiral into hell, i want to apologize for the dropping off the planet thing, and all that suicide talk. i'm in a bad place, but i think i can still manage. but anyway, back to naruto.
recently, i started reading it. and i instantly lost my soul to it. i'm now drawing personas of ninjas, and ranting about where i am in the manga...falling in love with the characters....*SIGH*
i'm losing my dignity, man. but here's a drawing anyway. wow.

there it is. proof that i'm actual trash.

until next time, my lovelies!

vent art

hm

wouldn't it be funny if i killed myself on new years eve? first word of the new year: goodbye.

Things Change

I don't know if I should keep this blog anymore. It's becoming more of a chore, a nagging thing saying "you haven't updated in forever!" kinda thing. Since Sara left me, I've been on a downward spiral. My grades are dropping, I'm starting to not care. Today was my year and a half anniversary with my girlfriend. She broke up with me last night.

I'm not gonna be posting that much anymore. I'm having a hard time feeling things. I'm just numb, drifting through the days. I cried last week. It was really embarrassing. Anyway though. Sorry about this. Personal, lame shit is going down in my life. Until next time, guys.

Bear Holmes

so, there's this AU where everyone is genderbent! for me, i actually really liked the idea of having Bea just be transgender. hence, Bear. got it from a young age, the nickname came from nowhere (maybe because he kept calling Griz 'Bear'?) anyways, so he's a thing now, and he's brilliant. i dont have much energy to talk and talk about every detail about him though. so i'm gonna leave this at i drew him. it's an angsty picture (he'd have something like it in his vent sketchbook), and i'm just really proud of it, so here it is y'all.

ye! enjoy super sad and discriminated against Bear. this is also a PSA. do NOT use the terms shemale, tranny, it, and especially, do NOT call them a freak, nor use pronouns they don't identify with. it's super offensive, and just a shitty thing to do. anyway yeah!! there we are. until next time!

Alright Here We Are.

Okie dokies, we got a new url. yep. one more hyphen. just amazing, right? I'm so good at choosing new urls. Hopefully, I won't have to change it again. Anyways, we'll go back to our regularly scheduled program now. Sorry for the change!!!

A few problems.

Hiya guys! So lately, I've been thinking about changing my url. There's been issues with a girl who might be reading my blog (she's kinda bullying me lately), and I feel uncomfortable to have her reading my blog, so I'm changing my blog url. If you'd like to know what the new one is, email me at baileyjuke@gmail.com. otherwise, see y'all later!! (i'll give until Sunday, November 16th, at 12:00 PM.)

So!!!

As you have noticed, I posted a little story about a new OC that I didn't really talk about before. She's been a thing for a long time, but I never really made a bio for her. Maybe I will?? But for now, I'll show you the picture I drew of her.

Yeh man. Stella.

Stella Atlas Jones

I woke up early in the morning. Maybe it wasn’t even the morning, since outside my window the sky was still dark, but I was wide awake anyway. And why would I be? I was seventeen, on a weekend at that. I yawned, stretching, and turned my head left and right, feeling my neck crick. Then I saw myself looking in my mirror, as I do almost every morning, and just stared. 

I could faintly see my silhouette in the darkness, but my entirety wasn't what I was  focused on. Faintly, my navy blue eyes glowed, just barely, but enough that it stood out in the inky darkness. In my left eye, there was a slight twinkling. 

I stood quietly and walked over to my mirror, looking into my eye. There, up close, I could see the sky. Stars and galaxies glistened, an occasional shooting star passing by, right there in my iris. My pupil? Non existent. Instead, there was one star that never moved, unlike the rest that slowly spun around. That was how I was able to see. I glanced up at my hair, and sighed a little. 

I ran my fingers through a soft, almost fluffy head of white hair, and watched small pieces break off and float away. That’s right. My hair was a cloud. I shook my head a little and watched more tiny clouds pull off and float away, before disappearing, before grabbing a sweater off the back of my chair, and pulling it on. Floop! My hair made a little noise as the fabric pulled over it, and my hair bobbed a little bit, before settling back down in the messy, almost-afro like way it always did. 

 I remembered having normal hair though. Having pupils, looking normal. I remembered the day when I traded all that in, for the opportunity of having a connection with my late parents, who were stargazers at heart. They loved stars so much, they even named me Stella. I smiled slightly, remembering when I found myself in the stars, given the choice of being a celestial being. Being able to communicate with the constellations, being able to control them. The thought of being a true star girl gave me the comfort of the thought of being with my parents.Don’t get me wrong. I’m no super hero. I just wanted to feel a connection with the stars and my family. There was only one price to pay.

I pulled on some sweats and boots, and went back to my window. Quietly, I slid the window open, and hopped onto the fire escape, breathed in the cool air, and started clubbing up the stairs. My boots hardly made a sound on the metal, my hands sliding over the railings lightly, and I made it to the roof. I took a deep breath, and spread out my arms, opened my eyes. Suddenly, my left eye lit up, the stars brighter than ever, and soon, they were falling, melting down my cheek, my torso. The purple inkiness slowly skimmed down my arm, and I held out a hand. They reached my palm, and I felt the icy coldness of space, before it off. I watched as the night sky seemed to almost change, and soon, the stars were arranging themselves, forming shapes.

I smiled a little, and shifted forward, feeling the wind pick up slightly, pulling more chunks of hair from me, floating away into the sky, and I hastily pulled my sweater hood up over my head. “Hey there, Leo,” I said softly, and watched the lion made of stars shake its mane, made of pure space. His big paws moved and he came up to me, and I pet his head, smiling some more. “You called?” He turned his head, his mouth opening, closing, massive teeth made of planets clamping together. I giggled. “Ah, you’re hungry, hm?”

I shifted and put my palms to my heart, before pulling away. A small strand of my soul came with my hands, and I yanked harder, snapping the line. I felt lightheadedness take control for a moment, and I slumped against Leo, trying to gain strength again. “Oog…” I moaned quietly. Leo snuffed at me, and I could feel his concern. I was growing weaker. I smiled weakly, pushing myself off of the celestial creature, and held out the strand. “Here you go.” I mumbled. He hesitated before gently leaning forward, touching his nose to the strand, and I watched it disappear, turning into stardust. He nosed my sweater again, and I rubbed his mane again.

“I’m fine, Leo. I still have plenty to give.” I said, and watched as my palm glowed softly, and soon, Leo was dissolving, flowing back up my arm, and I felt the icy cool space climb back into my eye. I sighed, flopping down. I was tired. I watched the sky get lighter as night turned to day, the sky bursting with pinks and oranges. Slowly, all of the stars began to disappear, and it was morning. “Mmph.” I didn’t have anymore energy, but I had to move. I couldn’t let anyone see me. Not without putting on sunglasses and a wig, at least (which, mind you, is very hard. Try putting a cloud into a wig cap).

I forced myself to my feet, and quickly maneuvered down the fire escape to my open window, hopped in, and closed the window behind me. Then, I flopped down, closing my eyes. The thought of being found, taken away to be probed on, scared me. I never really believed in the whole alien-getting-probed thing when I was younger, but when you have the qualifications of an alien, you get paranoid. I pulled the shades shut as the sun started getting into my room, and laid back onto my bed. Pulling the covers over my head once again, I tried to find sleep,