update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

Bear Holmes

so, there's this AU where everyone is genderbent! for me, i actually really liked the idea of having Bea just be transgender. hence, Bear. got it from a young age, the nickname came from nowhere (maybe because he kept calling Griz 'Bear'?) anyways, so he's a thing now, and he's brilliant. i dont have much energy to talk and talk about every detail about him though. so i'm gonna leave this at i drew him. it's an angsty picture (he'd have something like it in his vent sketchbook), and i'm just really proud of it, so here it is y'all.

ye! enjoy super sad and discriminated against Bear. this is also a PSA. do NOT use the terms shemale, tranny, it, and especially, do NOT call them a freak, nor use pronouns they don't identify with. it's super offensive, and just a shitty thing to do. anyway yeah!! there we are. until next time!

Unexpected News

A writing prompt: Write a story in which your protagonist gets unexpected news.

I was in the training room when the news came. It was Tyler who walked into the room, his face not showing any emotion. After years of war, he learned to cover it. But it always showed in his eyes. Disappointment and grief.

“Bea." I looked up from what I was doing, sharpening my knives, and my stomach dropped when my eyes met his. He took a deep breath, making the twisting feeling in my gut worsen, and then he spoke. His voice was quiet. "Anthony was found dead this morning, out in the woods. Puncture wound to the throat. No signs of struggle.” He faltered, letting the words hang in the air for a long moment. “His cards were gone."

Only then did he look away, his eyes trying to find another place to stick to. It took a moment to sink in, but when it did, everything turned sharp. My fingertips felt cold. I stood suddenly, my knives clattering to the ground, and brushed past Tyler. I slowly walked down the hall, making my way to where I knew where everyone would be.

Finally, I came upon a big room, dark, lit only by candles. New and old pictures of soldiers lost in the war were scattered everywhere, pinned to walls or set up on chairs, taped to columns. Little notes were next to some. A small group of people were gathered in a corner,  around a small, dusty picture of Anthony.

Only one person noticed my presence, Shade. She turned, opened her mouth to say something, but I moved forward and pushed past her, through the crowd. When I made it to the front, I saw the picture of Anthony. It was the one I found in the abandoned part of the Italian base with him. He was young, still wearing a suit, gloves. His eyes were dull and his face was free of emotion.

This was the only picture of him. 

To think, that this was the only memory that would be kept of him. When he had just started, killing innocent people, full of bitterness, full of regret. He looked nothing like he had, just yesterday. A small smile lighting up his face, his eyes warm, full of love. Hair messy and in his eyes. Not tucked under a tall top hat, like in the photo.

Without thinking, I put my hand on it, gently brushing the photo with my fingertips, the cold, smooth paper. Then my hand clenched, and the picture folded in my fist. My knuckles were white. Only then did I notice my hand was shaking.

“B…Bea…?" I recognized the quiet voice as Hank, but didn’t reply. I looked at the crumpled picture, at Anthony's now distorted face, and I ripped it off the wall.

"Bea, what are you d–” I tore it in half, once, twice, over and over until I couldn’t anymore, until the pieces were too small to rip, then dropped the pieces onto the ground. I spoke quietly, my voice hoarse and broken.

"That is not Anthony Rousseaux."

I turned on my heel and left, pushing through my friends and coworkers. No one spoke a word as I passed. Making my way down the hall, my head wasn't working right. The world was dizzying, everything was going blurry. My feet felt numb, my hands as well. Everything felt wrong.

Memories flashed through my head of him and me, dancing, hugging, talking. Our first kiss. Falling asleep tangled up with him. I found myself in my room, our room, and I stumbled into the bathroom where I fell to my knees, puking into the toilet.

Anthony's dead. The thought circled in my head. Over and over. Anthony's dead. Anthony's dead. I curled up on the cool tile, hugging my knees to my chest. Anthony's dead. Tears started to blur my vision. Anthony's dead. A choked sob was torn from my lips. 

He's dead.

i'm so happy

oh my gosh okay i'm getting slightly better at drawing. so my friend tried to draw her OTP, Bea and Shi (her character), hugging, but it didn't work out at all, so she gave it to me. i decided to try and give it a go, and i'm so happy with the results!!! the height difference between them is so cute (i'm such a sucker for height differences oh my go d). so of course, the taller one is Bea, and the shorter, blushier one is Shi!!!

I wish I could've gotten a before photo, but oh well!!!!

A shitty upload of a shitty picture

I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it just turned out horrible. Here's an attempt at Bea, which is distorted by the fold in the paper. The style of it is just all wrong for meee......

GOD ITS SO BAD I APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF YOUUUUUUu....

Sweet Sixteenth!

So today is a character's birthday, Shade Grey! And even though I'm not supposed to be talking about her, because she isn't my character, I felt like she should have some sort of recognition. It's her sweet sixteenth, anyway. *smiles a little* so this is probably the last time I'm gonna be able to talk about her, and I wanna make it special. So, here's a little oneshot, the last one of Bear. Yes, I know, the best lesbian ship ever, to disappear. It's a shame. *sighs and falls over* but so anyway, let's do thisssss.

Happy Halloween!!

Hey guys! I just wanted to wish you all a great Halloween, and the hopes of not getting cavities. Also, here's a little something that I made. It's the crew, all ready for trick or treating! From left to right, it's Nate, Shade, Darel, and Bea. Anyways, see you all next time!! (click on the picture for the full size)

A Halloween RP (and some pictures)

To start off, I made a version of Bea for Halloween, and she is a vampire. She's very cute as a vampire. mhm. I also did one for Shade, in which she's in a dungeon (probs just getting done with almost killing someone), and is covered in blood. c:

And, a roleplay! It'll steadily get larger so I'll put it under a read more, and I'll just keep it under this post. So for updates on the roleplay, just click the RP and you'll see all replies, from my friend and from me. The characters of my friend are Shade, Nate, and Jade. I have Bea, Lea, and Jade. Ye. So let's begin!

....

"Well, ah, actually, Shade...There's ahaha...there's a reason why I dragged you out here. I um, well, god, I'm bad with words. I ah...Here, this flower reminded me of your eyes. *nervous laughter* I really um, I really like you, Shade. Would you like to, I dunno, go out sometime? U-Unless you don't like me back. Then. Then just forget everything. I'll burn the flower."

(For those who are confused, it's a little reply to a friend who called me out on her blog. sorry, y'all, it's a private blog. you're gonna have to deal. but look! it's a picture of my character! huzzah!!!!!)

Whoa who would've guessed I sure didn't

Yeah it's more Neat. sorry.

*whiSTLES LOUDLY* GOD DAMN.

SO HEY GUYS GUESS WHO'S OFFICIALLY TRASH? THAT'S RIGHT, ME.
i've basically sold my soul to Neat. wow. that ah, that did not take long at all. hmmmmmm. anyway, the point of this post is to demonstrate just how completely fricked i am. on Tumblr, good ol Tumblr, there's a lot of posts on there. lots of them have to do with random shit. and others have to do with OTP oneshot prompts. so, there's one where it's along the lines of "that one ship where they "hate" each other so much but would be completely devastated if something happened to the other." yeah, yeah that's Neat. the other one is "what a nice otp you have there it'd be a shame if oNE WAS BRUTALLY EXECUTED IN FRONT OF THE OTHER." hmmm. "imagine if person A took the fatal shot for person B, but instead of a dramatic death scene playing out, person A is dead before they hit the ground." ....yeah. here you go. all wrapped up nicely for you. good luck.

  I didn’t think about it. I just moved, closing my eyes, gritting my teeth. “Move!” I shouted,  jumping forward. I slammed into Nate, pushing him down, away from the gunshot. I felt it rip into my chest, coughed out some blood. Opening my eyes, I collapsed, crumpling. I hit the ground dead.

   I stared down the barrel of the gun, accepting my fate. But then, I heard her. “Move!” Bea screamed, and I felt myself being shoved. I fell, and I heard the shot ring out in the silence. I turned my head, and saw her crumple to the floor, her eyes open still. She was staring into nothing. A bit of blood dribbled from her lips. Forgetting where I was for a moment, I scrambled over to her. My hands barely touched her as I rolled her over. A dark red stain was spreading from her shirt, a ragged hole right over her heart.
“Bea.” I whispered. “Wake up. Bea, stop playing around.” I reached out and brushed a strand of hair from her face. Her skin was cool already. “Get up. Stop. You aren’t dead. Get up.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Jade. She was still holding the gun, smoke trailing from the barrel. I realized I was shaking, ever so slightly. No.
  “Even if she played hero to save your life, you’re still at your execution, Jones.” I felt my Shadow stir. I didn’t try to stop myself. Not this time.
  “You shot her.” I rasped, my voice dry, low. “You killed her.” Jade raised the gun, blowing the smoke away. I felt myself slipping. “Obviously.” She said, and motioned to some guards. They stepped towards me. I glanced down at Bea, and saw her hazy violet eyes. Then, I lost it.

We Interrupt This Program For a...Neat Announcement.

I turned the corner of the hallway, taking a sip from my flask, before hitting someone, and grunted, stumbling back. Quickly slipping my flask away, I glared at whoever hit me, a sharp remark on my tongue. 

My hazy violet eyes met frosty blue ones, and I realized it was Nate.

“Oh. You.” I said, faint disgust in my voice. I noticed that some of my whiskey has spilled onto his shirt, and he reached up with a handkerchief - a handkerchief - and patted the stain. 

“Yeah. Me. Seems your recklessness has gotten the best of you yet again, Holmes,” he said, angrily. “Ugh, whiskey stains horribly. I should have you marked up for this. Underaged drinking in school. Absolutely ludicrous.” I rolled my eyes, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. 

“It’s not illegal in Europe,”  I said, crossing my arms.

“We’re in America.” 

I shrugged. “Same difference.” 

He sighed, annoyed, and tried to get past me. “Honestly, you’re not even worth my time–” I stuck my foot out and tripped him, making him stumble and almost fall.  I smirked, and he turned, his eyes flashing. 

“What was that Jones? Couldn’t hear you over how awesome I am.” I turned to him and stepped forward, getting into his face. “You’re just some pretentious lame-ass that’s manipulative. That’s all you’ll ever be. Stop pretending you’re so high and mighty, nerd.” He glared at me a second longer before smirking, leaning right back, so we were inches apart.

“Same with you, Beatrix,” I cringed, glaring furiously at him, “you’re nothing but a drunk, arrogant, good for nothing–” I grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him a few inches up, before pushing him into the wall. He raised an eyebrow, clearly enjoying the fact that I was getting annoyed. I gritted my teeth, holding him there.

“If ya knew what was good fer ya, you’d shut up,” I hissed, my southern accent peeking out. He smiled some more, letting me hold him in the air. “You don’t scare me, Bea, in fact, you hardly intimidate me. Much less impress me.” I felt him trying to get into my head, stir my emotions.

“To be completely honest, the only thing you make me feel is slightly…” I felt an emotion click in my head, and heat flooded my stomach, making my thoughts go fuzzy. 

“…turned on.” 

I felt my grip on him slacken, watched him come back down to eye level. I pressed him into the wall as lust overtook my senses for a short moment, just enough to make me lean forward and catch his smirk in a kiss.

Fuck.