update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

vent art

hm

wouldn't it be funny if i killed myself on new years eve? first word of the new year: goodbye.

i'm so good at titles guys seriously.

so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.

so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:

- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself

there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.

now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.


so here's the other part.

you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)

i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.

so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.

there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.

so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)

i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.

i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.


PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D

I wrote a story!

Hey again! So, I wanted to share with you my story that I recently wrote, but there's one problem. It's kinda long. I mean, not book length, it's only 1,000 words or so, but I mean, that's a lot for some. It was a collab writing too, with the help of my waifu. So, if you'd like to read it, click the little read more thing. Also, it's really sad. Just, just warning you.

Beatrix Serenity Holmes

So, as I promised from my last post, I am here to talk about my OC! I've been working on her for over a year now, and I've come so far into her history, personality, everything, I just want people to know about her. So, here's a little thing about Bea Holmes!

Gender:
Female
Age:
20 years old (Birthday being December 15th)
Height:
5’ 8’’
Status:
Antagonist/Protagonist
Power:
Bea has mind control; she can tell someone anything and they will do that. She can only do it on humans though, unless the animal has a human mind. Also, she has to make eye contact. Bea is known to be best at her ability, though she rarely uses mind control. The red X in her left eye is captivating and can have mass effect. The X appears over her irises, and on the victim, their pupil, though it only appears as she gives the orders.
Other than her mind control, Bea has knife shooters, a contraption unique and one of its kind. She made it herself; they hook around her arms, near her shoulders, and have a thin pad down the inside of her arm so she won’t get cut when flicking them out. The knives themselves are thin, but indestructible, and very sharp.
Appearance:
She is tall, and has blonde hair that falls to her chin/shoulders. The hair flips out at the ends, curling a little, but not too much. Her bangs are side swept to the right. She has violet eyes, almost a royal purple. Bea loves to wear long-sleeved flannel shirts (usually are plaid), and dark denim jeans with rips on them. She loves to wear combat boots sometimes, but usually Converse. Also, she wears a lot of jewelry around her neck and wrists. 
She carries a backpack full of things such as bandages and things. She also has lots of manga in there. And a gun, which she rarely uses. She wears a bandage that goes from her left cheek down to the bottom of her jaw, covering the scars from her suicide attempt. The suicide attempt was almost right after Ash (her brother)’s death (she was 17), but she was shaking too hard and misfired, shooting out her cheek. It left a horrible scar so she covered it up.
Personality:
Bea is known as a very bi-polar girl, having two sides. A pissy and untrustable side where she is cold and refuses to let anyone in, and then her sweet side that shows that she cares for the ones that are close to her. Almost all of the time though, she is a joker and a swearer, who can get easily pissed. She also is known to boast about herself at times. Bea can do very spontaneous things, and they can be dangerous or stupid. She also can be a bit of a bully sometimes, well to Shade, mostly.
Other Information:
She had a brother named Ash, who was pushed to Lizzie by Scarlett and Jade when he was young, being murdered brutally by Lizzie in her werewolf form. Bea attempted suicide after it, being cracked. She failed miserably though, and has two bandages, one on her cheek, the other on the bottom of her jaw. Those bandages are permanent, because the holes never quite closed up, and she hates the look of them.
After her brother died a girl named Jade said she could help her find the thing that killed her brother and to avenge him, and recruited Bea into the Shadows. Bea has been with the Shadows since she was sixteen and is one of the most dangerous and best. She is high up on the ranks with Cassie, Anthony, Jade, and Nate. 
Jade caught whiff of potential Shadows or threats, and sent Bea to recruit them. But Bea took too long and became too close, and so Jade sent Anthony after instead. Bea was livid, and scared because she doesn’t want her friends to become Shadows, but if she went against the Shadows they would execute her.

Here's a picture of an outfit she would wear:

Courtesy of Polyvore

Anywho, there's Bea for you. She's a lovely girl, trust me. After all, I did create her. *smirks* So, until next time, guys!!