so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.
so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:
- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself
there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.
now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.
so here's the other part.
you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)
i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.
so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.
there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.
so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)
i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.
i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.
PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D
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