update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

Ever Get That Feeling?

Okay, so, I wanna talk about my characters a little. I love them all so much, but then there's just the main two: Bea and Jade. No one knows Lea, no one knows Oliver. No one has any special connection with them, and probably never will (I doubt we'll ever restart the restart). And it just....kinda sucks? I don't know how to explain it.

Everyone loves Bea so much, and everyone knows Jade and has their emotions towards her, whether it be love or hatred, they at least has something for them. There's a song for Lea called Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling, and I fell in love with it, because it describes her so well. Always surrounded by gears and metal and all of her work, and she's always alone. She's somewhat friends with Jade, and has her brother, Oliver, but she always ends up smothering herself with her work, and she never really has a life.

She feels like she can't, because she's devoted to the Shadows and because of her intelligence, she feels that she has better things to do, more things to develop. So she isn't exactly happy. So she hopes for someone to come in, to take her away from everything, to distract her. To shatter her. To make her feel alive. And because everyone already has their own thoughts and ships and everything...it feels like she'll never find anyone. And that just makes me feel sad. I hope something develops someday. That I'll figure something out and she can have a happy ending.

*sighs* Sorry, this is a sorta sad post, huh? Oh well. Sorry for the whole thing of not posting in a while, school is making me very panicky and that's kinda the priority for now. But I promise when I have time (like now), I'll try and muster up somethin'. *grins* until then, later!!