update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

vent art

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


Right now, I feel like I'm going through all of them, except for acceptance. I feel pathetic and stupid. I think, as of this moment, I'm mostly going through the second stage. Anger. I can't think about her without feeling some sort of anger. A part of me – a large part – wishes that since we broke it off, that everyone would break it off with her too. It's stupid, I know, but I can't get it out of my head, the burning anger. In class today, everyone sat with her, and I almost sat at the table too, but I knew that if I did, everyone would turn on my and make it a scene and tell me to go. They don't want more drama. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna scratch myself. During class I chewed at my nails till they bled, and then my bottom lip till it was shredded. I still can't lick my lips without the stinging feeling.

I want to sleep. I wanna forget about her. I wanna stop stealing glances at her. I hate this. I hate her.

Except, I know I don't. I just feel angry at everything. This is all so stupid.

hah a.,, ..

oh my god. oh my god i feel so sick. like. just. i don't know. this girl came up to me and she looked really distressed and angry and said she was gonna talke to me in fourth period and i don't know what i did but i'm scared and i've been feeling sick all day and i wanna throw up. i tried asking my friend to drive me home but they said they couldn't miss any of fourth period and so i'm stuck here, but i might just. skip fourth period. a-anyway. i also lost my arrowhead. which is making me nervous and frustrated. i need to find it. i need to find it or i might get worse. oh god. oh god i wanns go home. i need a hug.

i'm so good at titles guys seriously.

so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.

so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:

- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself

there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.

now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.


so here's the other part.

you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)

i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.

so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.

there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.

so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)

i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.

i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.


PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D

untitled

So, i guess this is the last post on this blog. just yesterday, i was happy and excited and just having a great time, until my friend shared a doc with me, and then i read it. it basically said that she and two others were thinking about shutting down everything, deleting the documents that we made together, erasing the story. erasing Divided. they said we need to move on, and that it's basically a horrible thing that needs to go. i found out my friend also blocked me so i guess i reminded her of the story too much. i don't know. so i'm gonna stop posting on here, just leave it to rot. i don't have the heart to delete this blog.

it's kinda funny how they all agree it's bad for us. for me, the roleplay, the whole world we created together, it helped me. when i was at my lowest, this made me feel better. it made me closer to some. i finally had a world where i could run away to and escape the daily pressures and the stress and the hate and everything. i could just write, and fall in love with the story all over again. i guess what i'm trying to get at was that this story was keeping my chin above the water of reality. and now that it's being shut down, well, i'm drowning.

just last night, i ripped up my arm without really thinking about it. i started crying and i felt numb and i realized just how stupid i was, looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. i'm sorry this is so depressing and stupid. i'm kinda at a loss for what i'm supposed to do now.

so, i guess this is it. i'm sorry, all. sorry, Sara, for whatever i did.

see you all on the flip side.