update!

it's been a while, huh? i don't like coming on here because i usually just posted for my friends to see. i don't think any of them even go on blogger anymore, so i didn't really feel like posting. but maybe i can, because this almost feels like an online diary.
so here's an update on my life.

from my last post, i've dragged myself quickly out of naruto hell. thank christ. another thing, i broke up with my girlfriend (more on this later). i've made two best friends, two people i hold very close to my heart, by the name of jack and koda. they both helped me a lot, still do, and they basically introduced me into my new love, gravity falls. started in late january, i got into cosplaying mabel pines, and now, i'm just. in love with the show. the show and the characters, that is. with jack, i started a fanfic, called I Made Mistakes In My Mind (which got some attention- much to my surprise). we are now writing the sequel, Love Is A Polaroid. it's extremely fun, so that's something that helps. ever since Divided shut down it's been hard for me to find stuff to lose myself in- so i'm glad i have jack and koda. speaking of koda, me and them have been making oc rps, left and right. i've started writing as Bea again, started developing Oliver and Lea more, it's incredible. i love it. i love writing as all of those characters.

now onto the more depressing news.

as school began, drama and sara and allie and everyone came back and hit me hard. immediately into the school year, i've struggled with keeping myself up. i've self harmed plenty, nearly killed myself multiple times. it's. not good.

i'm not sure as to what to do.

but! i'll keep going. i have people to be here for. people i love, people i want to see grow.
i'm mostly afraid of causing others to want to kill themselves due to my death.

scrunches nose

another thing, more context with my girlfriend, i made a big mistake with leaving that relationship. i fell for others but i never got over her. after i broke up with her i realized what had happened- i'm polyamorous. i wish i couldve realized this sooner, maybe i could have saved allie heartbreak, and myself confusion. i still have so many feelings for her. but, well, what can you do.
she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

hhhaa. man, what an update, right? what a start to my junior year. i'm just hoping i can keep myself together, keep my thoughts together.

expect updates, vents, rants, idk what. i'm feeling too much lately.

-bea

vent art

hm

wouldn't it be funny if i killed myself on new years eve? first word of the new year: goodbye.

Things Change

I don't know if I should keep this blog anymore. It's becoming more of a chore, a nagging thing saying "you haven't updated in forever!" kinda thing. Since Sara left me, I've been on a downward spiral. My grades are dropping, I'm starting to not care. Today was my year and a half anniversary with my girlfriend. She broke up with me last night.

I'm not gonna be posting that much anymore. I'm having a hard time feeling things. I'm just numb, drifting through the days. I cried last week. It was really embarrassing. Anyway though. Sorry about this. Personal, lame shit is going down in my life. Until next time, guys.

Alright Here We Are.

Okie dokies, we got a new url. yep. one more hyphen. just amazing, right? I'm so good at choosing new urls. Hopefully, I won't have to change it again. Anyways, we'll go back to our regularly scheduled program now. Sorry for the change!!!

A few problems.

Hiya guys! So lately, I've been thinking about changing my url. There's been issues with a girl who might be reading my blog (she's kinda bullying me lately), and I feel uncomfortable to have her reading my blog, so I'm changing my blog url. If you'd like to know what the new one is, email me at baileyjuke@gmail.com. otherwise, see y'all later!! (i'll give until Sunday, November 16th, at 12:00 PM.)

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


Right now, I feel like I'm going through all of them, except for acceptance. I feel pathetic and stupid. I think, as of this moment, I'm mostly going through the second stage. Anger. I can't think about her without feeling some sort of anger. A part of me – a large part – wishes that since we broke it off, that everyone would break it off with her too. It's stupid, I know, but I can't get it out of my head, the burning anger. In class today, everyone sat with her, and I almost sat at the table too, but I knew that if I did, everyone would turn on my and make it a scene and tell me to go. They don't want more drama. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna scratch myself. During class I chewed at my nails till they bled, and then my bottom lip till it was shredded. I still can't lick my lips without the stinging feeling.

I want to sleep. I wanna forget about her. I wanna stop stealing glances at her. I hate this. I hate her.

Except, I know I don't. I just feel angry at everything. This is all so stupid.

hah a.,, ..

oh my god. oh my god i feel so sick. like. just. i don't know. this girl came up to me and she looked really distressed and angry and said she was gonna talke to me in fourth period and i don't know what i did but i'm scared and i've been feeling sick all day and i wanna throw up. i tried asking my friend to drive me home but they said they couldn't miss any of fourth period and so i'm stuck here, but i might just. skip fourth period. a-anyway. i also lost my arrowhead. which is making me nervous and frustrated. i need to find it. i need to find it or i might get worse. oh god. oh god i wanns go home. i need a hug.

holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy sh–

i'm so fucking angry. oh my god. oh my fucking god. i think i'm gonna throw up i'm so angry. this is great. this is fucking great. i need a hug but it's like, no one is gonna wanna fucking hug me because i'm so pissed off! and like, it's fucking amazing because i know i'm gonna be fucking made up at lunch by Madison and my girlfriend because when i'm this angry i start fucking swearing all the time (like you can see now) and basically every other word is "fuck" and they laugh at me which just makes me feel self-conscious as fuck and oh my GOD i'm so fucking mad! and it's like, after lunch i get to have stupid fucking Creative Writing with Sara and it's gonna hurt like a bitch like fucking always and then Mr. Parker's gonna call me out because i forgot to bring fucking food for food Friday and it's all just FUCKING AMAZING i'm gonna  fucking cry fuck.

i'm so good at titles guys seriously.

so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.

so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:

- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself

there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.

now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.


so here's the other part.

you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)

i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.

so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.

there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.

so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)

i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.

i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.


PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D

(to accompany the post below)

Father was the one who told me.

"Coach of football team, 

perfectly healthy, 

dropped lifeless with stopped heart."

Father said nonchalantly,

as if was any                                                   other                                             news.

I nodded, continued conversation, but later,

I grieved.

Even though I didn’t know his name,

I grieved.

No clue what he looked like,

I still grieved.

Allie said 

my mind was b e a u t i f u l . 

People perish, every day.

But I managed to grieve for all of them. 

But question is, 

why wouldn’t you grieve for someone who 

ceases to exist?

A Farewell

So, I'm not going to explain anything. this hasn't been edited, or reread. just typed once. sorry, this is a little heavy today.

Dear Sara’s Grandma,

I’m writing to someone I’ve never met, and someone I never will meet. You died, on Thursday morning of last week. I never heard about you until early September, from your granddaughter, Sara. She told me that you meant so much to her, and that it was her fault that you were dying. 

I didn’t understand what was happening, why she thought it was her fault, but I knew that she loved you a lot. So I’m writing to you as a goodbye from a stranger. Although I will forget you in my later years, I remember you for now, and I want to say that I hope you’re in good hands now. I promised Sara that you would be, and that it would be better this way. That you would feel better once it was over.

But this isn’t just a farewell. Your granddaughter is brave, and scared at the same time. You told her to watch out for her family, and to be strong, and for a fifteen year-old, that is too much to ask for on your death bed. She is under pressure and is slowing cracking, and to hear that she needs to do even more than she is now from her grandmother who is slowly withering away… It made her shatter on the inside. I don’t mean to be cruel or make you guilty, just know that she is trying, for you, and that she cannot always keep your wishes.

I will keep an eye out for her, and to help her carry the weight on her shoulders. I promise you that. So, farewell, Sara’s grandmother. I hope you have a good life on the other side.

Sincerely, Bailey Giauque

Some More Tattoos I Would Like

Yeaaah I just really want to show you guys the other tattoos I like. Those other pictures were kinda only a small part. Again, all credit goes to Tumblr. Promise.

A lot, right? I'm probably never gonna get any of them so. *sighs* Anyways, ye-up, there you go guys!

A Bit of a Problem

So, lately, I've seen so many people with all sorts of piercings, like gauges and snake bites and such. And, not only that, but I'm also starting to like all sorts of tattoos that I've seen on Tumblr. And that's mainly just a problem cause these are kiiinda permanent body modifications. That my parents don't approve of. That my friends find trashy.
Hm.
But, for now, I just have wistful thinking. Maybe in a few years I'll grow out of the want to change my face and body, or maybe I'll actually get some piercings/tattoos. Really though, my entire fascination with piercings and tattoos only spiked this year, when I started getting into conversations about different tattoos with my friend Tori, and when I went with them to watch them get an industrial bar. When I was at the studio (known as Koi Piercing Studio), I saw all sorts of really beautiful piercing things, and I kinda fell in love. Ahaha. Ha. Anywho, yeah, here's some of the piercings/tattoos I would like to have.

Piercings:
For one, I would really like to have gauges. It's when you get your earlobe stretched and a big piece of jewelry is shoved into the hole. I don't know why I would like them. I just kinda do. But of course, I don't want like, those huge ones, that are kinda scary and look really painful! Naw, I just want little ones, big enough for tunnels. For those who are confused, here's some pictures:

Courtesy of The Horror Zine

how about no. imagine having a giant hole in your ear that people can look through, and it's weighed down by wood. sounds fun, right? ha.

Courtesy of Atomic Mall

reaaally cute tunnels I would like. I mean, who doesn't like gears???

Next, I would kinda like Snake Bites. It's a kind of piercing that is for lips, but not really...on your lips. It's actually two studs right under them, spaced out so it looks like a snake bit you there. I dunno, it looks pretty cool to me.

Courtesy of Read My Life..

Last, I would kinda like an industrial bar through my ear. Like I said before, Tori got one. It was a little scary watching it stabbed through their ear but it was fast and easy and it looks so cool. Gomme gimme gimmeeeee!

Courtesy of Ali Express

Okay so next, I'm gonna move onto tattoos. Because man. Tattoos. There are so many beautiful tattoos out there that I would want so badly, if I didn't have such a low pain tolerance. So, I'm just gonna post just a few of the tattoos that I would like to have, because if I posted all of them...well...let's not crash your guys' computers, hm? All credit goes to Tumblr.

I think I'm a serious sucker to watercolor tattoos (the one right above). They're so amazing and beautifullll....

So yeah, those are some of the things I would maybe like to get. Maybe later I'll post some more pictures. But until then, later yo.

Just A Heads Up

I'm gonna put this blog under construction, try to change it a little. By changing, I mean making it less...pink. I guess. I dunno, let's see how this goes!! O-O

So...yeah?

So, ah, in my English class, we're doing things called Vital Vocabs, which is basically where we get big words, a grammar thing (such as a semicolon), and two homophones. And then we had to put it into writing so it looked like we knew how to use them. Some examples are on Allie's blog (she writes really good ones, though short, still good. And it follows a plot and stuff! :o). And I'm actually kinda proud of some of my Vital Vocabs, so I'm gonna post them on here sometimes.
I'm gonna start with my most recent (and longest one), which is probably the first domino to knock down in a small series for this. I like the plot and idea I gave it. So, here it is!

        I ran down the street, making sure to keep a good grip on the bag dangling by my legs. I glanced back, grinned at the two chasing me, and ran faster, cutting a corner. My breathing was hard, my heart hammering in my chest as I leapt, skimming past the top of the fence in front of me, and cleared the jump. My feet hit the ground and I paused, seeing the two come around the corner.
       “Stop, Bea!” The man shouted, his eyes full of alarm and concern. He was reaching into his pocket.... I smirked, sticking my tongue out them.
       “Sorry, Anthony, Shade. But it’s too late for me to stop.” I said, my usual grin turning cold. I winked at them, then started running again, my feet echoing around the alley. Soon, I was gone, the bag holding Army jewels with me. Plan Rebel, instigated.
 –
       “Dammit Anthony, you should’ve let me go after her! I could’ve talked her out of it!” I shouted, stomping my foot. The tall man was leaning against the fence, running a hand through his hair as he tried to catch his breath.
       “Shade, you know she was set. You know she wasn’t going to listen.” He said, his voice full of defeat. I growled, and kicked the fence, hard.
       “That’s not true! The only reason she did this is because Tyler, Lizzie, all of them were so full of irreverence towards her! They made her reckless....” My mind was a blur, my thoughts inundating me. I shoved them down, swallowing the lump in my throat. “We have to go after her, we have to calm her, we...we....I can’t lose her like that.” I said finally, slumping against the alley wall. “She’s my best friend....” Anthony sighed, pushing himself off the fence.
      “I know, Shade. You’re not the only one who’s close to her, we’ve spent plenty of ti–” I snapped my head up at him, my glare piercing him.
      “Just because you’ve talked to her and probably gotten into her head doesn’t mean you know her like I do!” I snarled, interjecting him. I felt my throat constrict as Anthony looked away. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I just...She knows me like the back of her hand, I want to believe I’m the only one who knows her the best.” I said quietly, putting my forehead to my knees.
      After a moment, he sighed again, shaking his head. “Don’t worry, Shade. We’ll get her.” It occurred to me that Bea was bound to have passed the Army’s boundaries by now. Someone probably found that the jewels were gone...A chill passed through me.
      “Anthony....” I murmured, standing up again. I felt sick, and swallowed the lump in my throat. He looked up at me, frowning.
      “What? What is it?” I looked at him, fearing bubbling up inside. If the leaders found out that their jewels were gone...they would send people out to....
      “Anthony,” I said, latching onto the fence and climbing over. “Anthony, you told me that the Army is really strict. That they had no mercy for Shadows.” I said, dropping down. “And we both know that the Army is good at looking for people.”
       Anthony looked at me, lost. “Y...Yeah...?” He said slowly, climbing over the fence as well. He dropped down besides me. I started walking.
      “So, so if they find Bea...that’s stealing jewels and treason.” I insinuated, my walking getting faster and faster, until I was running. Anthony started running too, apparently catching on.
      “They’ll treat her horribly, brutally, and cruelly. Th–they might kill her on the spot.” I said, now sprinting in the direction she went, Anthony matching my speed.
      We need to find her. 

Merp.

Okay, so, I know, I know, you can all prepare the tomatos and angry rants towards me. You might have notice the changes I already made. I'm... *dramatic pause* .............I'm changing my blog, juuuuust a teeny tiny bit. Yes, I'm going to keep posting music, yes you will get to listen to new genres, but also, I need to make this blog something fun for me, not tedious and...blah. I need to make it so that this isn't a chore, which right now, it is. :\ So, most of the time you shall get music, but I'm also going to mix in a little of me. Why, you may ask? Well, you know...I'm narcissistic. *weak grin*
I promise the things I'm going to add to this blog isn't going to be bad, really. Just, I might have little rants about my life (usually about cosplay, Homestuck, fictional characters, or all of the above), art that I'm doing, and even sometimes my poetry with an explanation and maybe a story. That doesn't sound too bad...does it?
If you don't like what I'm doing, then by all means, leave. After all, this blog isn't made to suit what you fancy. Anywho, I'll be posting more often, now that I've stretched my boundaries. You all have fun with the crazy, special lady that is...me. So, have fun! Byeee~
＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／

Why I'm Here, You Ask?

Hello! I just want to go into detail about the reasons why I'm here, what inspired my reason of starting this, and then give a description of what the blog is going to look like. To start, the reason I'm here is just to have people like music. I know so many people that have such limited music tastes, even down to one artist. So my goal is to try to get you people to try new music of different varieties, from Bubblegum Pop to Electronic to Country to Dubstep. I want to someday try to become a big site that people actually recommend to, and I also just want people to like different music types. Different artists, different albums, different songs. Just to try new things. I know some blogs that have become so popular, such as www.music.com, www.pandora.com, and other smaller blogs like www.consequenceofsound.net. All are amazing sites, and all are really good at finding music related things, like songs, videos, and music events. I'm mainly going to try to be a mix of Pandora and Music.com, though, because I like to show people the songs and videos more than just events. Things like that have never spiked my interest, for I am far too lazy to go out to those events. Just listening to music and watching the music videos is quite enough for me. What is going to be different about what I do form those two sites is that I'm going to not just have the song there to listen to, I'm going to link it to another awesome site, www.grooveshark.com. There, you can easily listen to the song. Also, I'm going to review it, give a little information on the artist/band, talk about the album it's on, and then sometimes post a link to the video. I can't wait to get this site going and have songs all across the board, but anyways, until then, thank you for viewing my blog! See you around, my lovely and amazing viewers!
┌(・。・)┘♪

She's Alive

Hey, so, this is just my first post. I have absolute no organization right now, but I will soon. Basically, this blog is going to be reviewing music, mainly songs, sometimes artists themselves. I'm a big fan of music and some people I know have no taste in music at all. It's horrifying. So I'm here to find people with no good music, or maybe just people with the want to find new music, and to show them music of different sorts. I'll see you around!

(ﾉ>ヮ<)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧