Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


Right now, I feel like I'm going through all of them, except for acceptance. I feel pathetic and stupid. I think, as of this moment, I'm mostly going through the second stage. Anger. I can't think about her without feeling some sort of anger. A part of me – a large part – wishes that since we broke it off, that everyone would break it off with her too. It's stupid, I know, but I can't get it out of my head, the burning anger. In class today, everyone sat with her, and I almost sat at the table too, but I knew that if I did, everyone would turn on my and make it a scene and tell me to go. They don't want more drama. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna scratch myself. During class I chewed at my nails till they bled, and then my bottom lip till it was shredded. I still can't lick my lips without the stinging feeling.

I want to sleep. I wanna forget about her. I wanna stop stealing glances at her. I hate this. I hate her.

Except, I know I don't. I just feel angry at everything. This is all so stupid.

untitled

So, i guess this is the last post on this blog. just yesterday, i was happy and excited and just having a great time, until my friend shared a doc with me, and then i read it. it basically said that she and two others were thinking about shutting down everything, deleting the documents that we made together, erasing the story. erasing Divided. they said we need to move on, and that it's basically a horrible thing that needs to go. i found out my friend also blocked me so i guess i reminded her of the story too much. i don't know. so i'm gonna stop posting on here, just leave it to rot. i don't have the heart to delete this blog.

it's kinda funny how they all agree it's bad for us. for me, the roleplay, the whole world we created together, it helped me. when i was at my lowest, this made me feel better. it made me closer to some. i finally had a world where i could run away to and escape the daily pressures and the stress and the hate and everything. i could just write, and fall in love with the story all over again. i guess what i'm trying to get at was that this story was keeping my chin above the water of reality. and now that it's being shut down, well, i'm drowning.

just last night, i ripped up my arm without really thinking about it. i started crying and i felt numb and i realized just how stupid i was, looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. i'm sorry this is so depressing and stupid. i'm kinda at a loss for what i'm supposed to do now.

so, i guess this is it. i'm sorry, all. sorry, Sara, for whatever i did.

see you all on the flip side.