Bear Holmes

so, there's this AU where everyone is genderbent! for me, i actually really liked the idea of having Bea just be transgender. hence, Bear. got it from a young age, the nickname came from nowhere (maybe because he kept calling Griz 'Bear'?) anyways, so he's a thing now, and he's brilliant. i dont have much energy to talk and talk about every detail about him though. so i'm gonna leave this at i drew him. it's an angsty picture (he'd have something like it in his vent sketchbook), and i'm just really proud of it, so here it is y'all.

ye! enjoy super sad and discriminated against Bear. this is also a PSA. do NOT use the terms shemale, tranny, it, and especially, do NOT call them a freak, nor use pronouns they don't identify with. it's super offensive, and just a shitty thing to do. anyway yeah!! there we are. until next time!

Alright Here We Are.

Okie dokies, we got a new url. yep. one more hyphen. just amazing, right? I'm so good at choosing new urls. Hopefully, I won't have to change it again. Anyways, we'll go back to our regularly scheduled program now. Sorry for the change!!!

A few problems.

Hiya guys! So lately, I've been thinking about changing my url. There's been issues with a girl who might be reading my blog (she's kinda bullying me lately), and I feel uncomfortable to have her reading my blog, so I'm changing my blog url. If you'd like to know what the new one is, email me at baileyjuke@gmail.com. otherwise, see y'all later!! (i'll give until Sunday, November 16th, at 12:00 PM.)

So!!!

As you have noticed, I posted a little story about a new OC that I didn't really talk about before. She's been a thing for a long time, but I never really made a bio for her. Maybe I will?? But for now, I'll show you the picture I drew of her.

Yeh man. Stella.

Stella Atlas Jones

I woke up early in the morning. Maybe it wasn’t even the morning, since outside my window the sky was still dark, but I was wide awake anyway. And why would I be? I was seventeen, on a weekend at that. I yawned, stretching, and turned my head left and right, feeling my neck crick. Then I saw myself looking in my mirror, as I do almost every morning, and just stared. 

I could faintly see my silhouette in the darkness, but my entirety wasn't what I was  focused on. Faintly, my navy blue eyes glowed, just barely, but enough that it stood out in the inky darkness. In my left eye, there was a slight twinkling. 

I stood quietly and walked over to my mirror, looking into my eye. There, up close, I could see the sky. Stars and galaxies glistened, an occasional shooting star passing by, right there in my iris. My pupil? Non existent. Instead, there was one star that never moved, unlike the rest that slowly spun around. That was how I was able to see. I glanced up at my hair, and sighed a little. 

I ran my fingers through a soft, almost fluffy head of white hair, and watched small pieces break off and float away. That’s right. My hair was a cloud. I shook my head a little and watched more tiny clouds pull off and float away, before disappearing, before grabbing a sweater off the back of my chair, and pulling it on. Floop! My hair made a little noise as the fabric pulled over it, and my hair bobbed a little bit, before settling back down in the messy, almost-afro like way it always did. 

 I remembered having normal hair though. Having pupils, looking normal. I remembered the day when I traded all that in, for the opportunity of having a connection with my late parents, who were stargazers at heart. They loved stars so much, they even named me Stella. I smiled slightly, remembering when I found myself in the stars, given the choice of being a celestial being. Being able to communicate with the constellations, being able to control them. The thought of being a true star girl gave me the comfort of the thought of being with my parents.Don’t get me wrong. I’m no super hero. I just wanted to feel a connection with the stars and my family. There was only one price to pay.

I pulled on some sweats and boots, and went back to my window. Quietly, I slid the window open, and hopped onto the fire escape, breathed in the cool air, and started clubbing up the stairs. My boots hardly made a sound on the metal, my hands sliding over the railings lightly, and I made it to the roof. I took a deep breath, and spread out my arms, opened my eyes. Suddenly, my left eye lit up, the stars brighter than ever, and soon, they were falling, melting down my cheek, my torso. The purple inkiness slowly skimmed down my arm, and I held out a hand. They reached my palm, and I felt the icy coldness of space, before it off. I watched as the night sky seemed to almost change, and soon, the stars were arranging themselves, forming shapes.

I smiled a little, and shifted forward, feeling the wind pick up slightly, pulling more chunks of hair from me, floating away into the sky, and I hastily pulled my sweater hood up over my head. “Hey there, Leo,” I said softly, and watched the lion made of stars shake its mane, made of pure space. His big paws moved and he came up to me, and I pet his head, smiling some more. “You called?” He turned his head, his mouth opening, closing, massive teeth made of planets clamping together. I giggled. “Ah, you’re hungry, hm?”

I shifted and put my palms to my heart, before pulling away. A small strand of my soul came with my hands, and I yanked harder, snapping the line. I felt lightheadedness take control for a moment, and I slumped against Leo, trying to gain strength again. “Oog…” I moaned quietly. Leo snuffed at me, and I could feel his concern. I was growing weaker. I smiled weakly, pushing myself off of the celestial creature, and held out the strand. “Here you go.” I mumbled. He hesitated before gently leaning forward, touching his nose to the strand, and I watched it disappear, turning into stardust. He nosed my sweater again, and I rubbed his mane again.

“I’m fine, Leo. I still have plenty to give.” I said, and watched as my palm glowed softly, and soon, Leo was dissolving, flowing back up my arm, and I felt the icy cool space climb back into my eye. I sighed, flopping down. I was tired. I watched the sky get lighter as night turned to day, the sky bursting with pinks and oranges. Slowly, all of the stars began to disappear, and it was morning. “Mmph.” I didn’t have anymore energy, but I had to move. I couldn’t let anyone see me. Not without putting on sunglasses and a wig, at least (which, mind you, is very hard. Try putting a cloud into a wig cap).

I forced myself to my feet, and quickly maneuvered down the fire escape to my open window, hopped in, and closed the window behind me. Then, I flopped down, closing my eyes. The thought of being found, taken away to be probed on, scared me. I never really believed in the whole alien-getting-probed thing when I was younger, but when you have the qualifications of an alien, you get paranoid. I pulled the shades shut as the sun started getting into my room, and laid back onto my bed. Pulling the covers over my head once again, I tried to find sleep,

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


Right now, I feel like I'm going through all of them, except for acceptance. I feel pathetic and stupid. I think, as of this moment, I'm mostly going through the second stage. Anger. I can't think about her without feeling some sort of anger. A part of me – a large part – wishes that since we broke it off, that everyone would break it off with her too. It's stupid, I know, but I can't get it out of my head, the burning anger. In class today, everyone sat with her, and I almost sat at the table too, but I knew that if I did, everyone would turn on my and make it a scene and tell me to go. They don't want more drama. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna scratch myself. During class I chewed at my nails till they bled, and then my bottom lip till it was shredded. I still can't lick my lips without the stinging feeling.

I want to sleep. I wanna forget about her. I wanna stop stealing glances at her. I hate this. I hate her.

Except, I know I don't. I just feel angry at everything. This is all so stupid.

Unexpected News

A writing prompt: Write a story in which your protagonist gets unexpected news.

I was in the training room when the news came. It was Tyler who walked into the room, his face not showing any emotion. After years of war, he learned to cover it. But it always showed in his eyes. Disappointment and grief.

“Bea." I looked up from what I was doing, sharpening my knives, and my stomach dropped when my eyes met his. He took a deep breath, making the twisting feeling in my gut worsen, and then he spoke. His voice was quiet. "Anthony was found dead this morning, out in the woods. Puncture wound to the throat. No signs of struggle.” He faltered, letting the words hang in the air for a long moment. “His cards were gone."

Only then did he look away, his eyes trying to find another place to stick to. It took a moment to sink in, but when it did, everything turned sharp. My fingertips felt cold. I stood suddenly, my knives clattering to the ground, and brushed past Tyler. I slowly walked down the hall, making my way to where I knew where everyone would be.

Finally, I came upon a big room, dark, lit only by candles. New and old pictures of soldiers lost in the war were scattered everywhere, pinned to walls or set up on chairs, taped to columns. Little notes were next to some. A small group of people were gathered in a corner,  around a small, dusty picture of Anthony.

Only one person noticed my presence, Shade. She turned, opened her mouth to say something, but I moved forward and pushed past her, through the crowd. When I made it to the front, I saw the picture of Anthony. It was the one I found in the abandoned part of the Italian base with him. He was young, still wearing a suit, gloves. His eyes were dull and his face was free of emotion.

This was the only picture of him. 

To think, that this was the only memory that would be kept of him. When he had just started, killing innocent people, full of bitterness, full of regret. He looked nothing like he had, just yesterday. A small smile lighting up his face, his eyes warm, full of love. Hair messy and in his eyes. Not tucked under a tall top hat, like in the photo.

Without thinking, I put my hand on it, gently brushing the photo with my fingertips, the cold, smooth paper. Then my hand clenched, and the picture folded in my fist. My knuckles were white. Only then did I notice my hand was shaking.

“B…Bea…?" I recognized the quiet voice as Hank, but didn’t reply. I looked at the crumpled picture, at Anthony's now distorted face, and I ripped it off the wall.

"Bea, what are you d–” I tore it in half, once, twice, over and over until I couldn’t anymore, until the pieces were too small to rip, then dropped the pieces onto the ground. I spoke quietly, my voice hoarse and broken.

"That is not Anthony Rousseaux."

I turned on my heel and left, pushing through my friends and coworkers. No one spoke a word as I passed. Making my way down the hall, my head wasn't working right. The world was dizzying, everything was going blurry. My feet felt numb, my hands as well. Everything felt wrong.

Memories flashed through my head of him and me, dancing, hugging, talking. Our first kiss. Falling asleep tangled up with him. I found myself in my room, our room, and I stumbled into the bathroom where I fell to my knees, puking into the toilet.

Anthony's dead. The thought circled in my head. Over and over. Anthony's dead. Anthony's dead. I curled up on the cool tile, hugging my knees to my chest. Anthony's dead. Tears started to blur my vision. Anthony's dead. A choked sob was torn from my lips. 

He's dead.

hah a.,, ..

oh my god. oh my god i feel so sick. like. just. i don't know. this girl came up to me and she looked really distressed and angry and said she was gonna talke to me in fourth period and i don't know what i did but i'm scared and i've been feeling sick all day and i wanna throw up. i tried asking my friend to drive me home but they said they couldn't miss any of fourth period and so i'm stuck here, but i might just. skip fourth period. a-anyway. i also lost my arrowhead. which is making me nervous and frustrated. i need to find it. i need to find it or i might get worse. oh god. oh god i wanns go home. i need a hug.

Cancer (?) (?)

so here's her bio!! also i got a better picture up on the last post about her yeh yeh.

Gender:

Female

Sexual Orientation:

Aromantic/asexual

Age:

Nineteen (Birthday being October 31st, 1995)

Height:

5’3’’

Status:

Antagonist

Power:

She’s able to render victims unable to move or think, and sometimes even function, for long periods of time. To be able to do this, her eyes have a sort of hypnotical sense to them, with a black and white swirl in replace of irises and pupils, she makes them turn, so that they spin, putting their victims in a trance, and depending on how long she has them under this trance, the longer and more stronger the effect will last.

Since she was created out of a nightmare, she is also able to enter and manipulate people’s dreams, turning them into her own nightmare of choice. She tends to enjoy screwing up people’s heads to the point where they are scarred and sometimes sent into insanity.

Appearance:

She is all black and white, including her skin, eyes, and blood. She has short, messy hair that’s black and white mixed together, always sticking out in places. Her eyes, as described before, are white with a black swirl leading to the center of her eyeball, with no sign of pupils or irises, but it seems that the center of the swirl could be the pupils, as they move around her eye when she is looking around.

She wears a flowing, puffy dress that goes to her mid thighs, with shoulderless sleeves down to her hands. The skirt of the dress is striped black and white, while the top is pitch black. The entire dress is in tatters, ripped at the hem of the skirt, and on her sleeves as well. She also wears boots going up to her calves, black with small heels, laced up.

She also likes to usually carry some sort of knife with her at all times, sometimes jagged, sometimes curved, long, short, always black and white. She’s able to change the shape and size of it, but only in nightmares.

She is technically a nightmare creation, so she isn’t actually real, unable to hurt you in real life. But on Halloween, she becomes real for twenty four hours, and is able to be seen. She takes advantage of that, and many people disappear on Halloween. After Halloween passes, she is incredibly weak, and unable to even enter dreams for the entirety of November.

Personality:

Absolutely insane. She loves to draw glass shattering screams out of her victims, loves to spill blood, loves to send people to mental hospitals. She always seems happy, and it’s very difficult to get her to be angry. If you do manage to anger her, she will hurt you so badly that it will become an actual injury, not just in your dreams.

She likes to play games as well, and will get really excited if you agree to play with her. She has an amazing sense to tell if you’re lying or cheating, though, and will give mock sadness that you’re “not playing fair”.

Background/Backstory:

On one Halloween, in 1995, she was born after a girl in an insane asylum had such a horrible nightmare that she became real. She’s been traveling around the world since, scarring all sorts of people.

DRAWING IS AMAZING YET SO FREAKING FRUSTRATINGGGGG

so i drew another new OC! her name is Cancer, and i have absolutely nothing else on her except for the fact that she's fairly (extremely) violent. i'll probs make her a bio sometimeeeeeeeee :3

"whoops! heehee."

yeah basically she's all black and white. even her blood is black. eheh. she has swirly eyes. wears pretty dresses that are all torn up, boots that are laced up. behind her back is probably a knife. yup yup. basically i just created her out of my pure anger towards drawing, as you can see with all the messy liiinessss. anyway, until next time, my pretties. c:

i'm so happy

oh my gosh okay i'm getting slightly better at drawing. so my friend tried to draw her OTP, Bea and Shi (her character), hugging, but it didn't work out at all, so she gave it to me. i decided to try and give it a go, and i'm so happy with the results!!! the height difference between them is so cute (i'm such a sucker for height differences oh my go d). so of course, the taller one is Bea, and the shorter, blushier one is Shi!!!

I wish I could've gotten a before photo, but oh well!!!!

holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy sh–

i'm so fucking angry. oh my god. oh my fucking god. i think i'm gonna throw up i'm so angry. this is great. this is fucking great. i need a hug but it's like, no one is gonna wanna fucking hug me because i'm so pissed off! and like, it's fucking amazing because i know i'm gonna be fucking made up at lunch by Madison and my girlfriend because when i'm this angry i start fucking swearing all the time (like you can see now) and basically every other word is "fuck" and they laugh at me which just makes me feel self-conscious as fuck and oh my GOD i'm so fucking mad! and it's like, after lunch i get to have stupid fucking Creative Writing with Sara and it's gonna hurt like a bitch like fucking always and then Mr. Parker's gonna call me out because i forgot to bring fucking food for food Friday and it's all just FUCKING AMAZING i'm gonna  fucking cry fuck.

A shitty upload of a shitty picture

I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it just turned out horrible. Here's an attempt at Bea, which is distorted by the fold in the paper. The style of it is just all wrong for meee......

GOD ITS SO BAD I APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF YOUUUUUUu....

Sweet Sixteenth!

So today is a character's birthday, Shade Grey! And even though I'm not supposed to be talking about her, because she isn't my character, I felt like she should have some sort of recognition. It's her sweet sixteenth, anyway. *smiles a little* so this is probably the last time I'm gonna be able to talk about her, and I wanna make it special. So, here's a little oneshot, the last one of Bear. Yes, I know, the best lesbian ship ever, to disappear. It's a shame. *sighs and falls over* but so anyway, let's do thisssss.

i'm so good at titles guys seriously.

so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.

so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:

- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself

there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.

now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.


so here's the other part.

you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)

i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.

so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.

there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.

so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)

i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.

i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.


PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D

Elise Grace Dashner

My first new OC!!

Gender:

Female

Sexual Orientation:

Heterosexual

Age:

Eighteen (Birthday being January 12th, 1996)

Height:

5’6’’

Status:

Protagonist

Ranking:

Loner

Appearance:

She has light blue eyes, and frizzy, messy, light-orange hair that's always pulled into a knotted braid (she doesn't really take care of it). It goes down to her shoulder blades, and sometimes she throws a headband into the mess. She has piebaldism so she has a few streaks of white in her hair as well, and her skin is splotchy.

Her body is in in the middle of pudgy and skinny, with bigger calves and curvier hips, but a smaller waist. She likes to wear old, pilled sweaters that have little holes in the edges, almost always big enough so that it falls past her hands. She also wears black jeans that are frayed at the bottoms. She wears boots with soles worn thin.  

She has a dirty, grey messenger bag that she carries with her at all times, marked up with sharpies and pins, and little keychains. Inside is a first aid kit, some water and cans of food, a little journal and pencil, and a small bunny stuffed animal, the tail missing.

Personality:

Known as “little thistle” by her late-parents, she’s a prickly, stubborn girl who enjoys only the presence of small children or animals. She gets frustrated easily and acts out on impulse, but has a good sense of what to do (most of the time, at least). She doesn’t exactly have a soft spot for anyone, but can feel lonely at times, and will seek company (though she quickly turns to dislike said company).

Background/Backstory:

(to be written on a later date)

lol nop e

I AM SO INCOnsistent. It's great. Like I shut down this blog and then bring it back and then shut it down again and here I am. Reopening it. hAAAHHAHAHA. So here's how it goes. Since Divided is now like, shut own, gone, whoosh! I'm stuck with all my OCs. And then recently I've just been. Making more. Yep. This is how I deal with my anguish. But I always come back to Bea, my one and true love, my favorite character who I could never part ways with. She's a part of me and I'm a part of her. So I'm not just gonna leave her to rot. :D

So this blog is now going to be a playland for me and my OCs. I'll try and post art sometimes, post new bios, little drabbles, maybe even a short story! It'll be fun, trust me guys. Also, I own the rights to these characters, but if you need some inspiration you can take some characteristics for your characters!!

And so, this is my grand re-reopening! Haha! YEaaaaaah, this is gonna be like Bob's Burgers opening title thing, isn't it. Oh welllll~

Until next time, my lovely lovelies. *grins and disappears*

untitled

So, i guess this is the last post on this blog. just yesterday, i was happy and excited and just having a great time, until my friend shared a doc with me, and then i read it. it basically said that she and two others were thinking about shutting down everything, deleting the documents that we made together, erasing the story. erasing Divided. they said we need to move on, and that it's basically a horrible thing that needs to go. i found out my friend also blocked me so i guess i reminded her of the story too much. i don't know. so i'm gonna stop posting on here, just leave it to rot. i don't have the heart to delete this blog.

it's kinda funny how they all agree it's bad for us. for me, the roleplay, the whole world we created together, it helped me. when i was at my lowest, this made me feel better. it made me closer to some. i finally had a world where i could run away to and escape the daily pressures and the stress and the hate and everything. i could just write, and fall in love with the story all over again. i guess what i'm trying to get at was that this story was keeping my chin above the water of reality. and now that it's being shut down, well, i'm drowning.

just last night, i ripped up my arm without really thinking about it. i started crying and i felt numb and i realized just how stupid i was, looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. i'm sorry this is so depressing and stupid. i'm kinda at a loss for what i'm supposed to do now.

so, i guess this is it. i'm sorry, all. sorry, Sara, for whatever i did.

see you all on the flip side.