vent art

hm

wouldn't it be funny if i killed myself on new years eve? first word of the new year: goodbye.

Things Change

I don't know if I should keep this blog anymore. It's becoming more of a chore, a nagging thing saying "you haven't updated in forever!" kinda thing. Since Sara left me, I've been on a downward spiral. My grades are dropping, I'm starting to not care. Today was my year and a half anniversary with my girlfriend. She broke up with me last night.

I'm not gonna be posting that much anymore. I'm having a hard time feeling things. I'm just numb, drifting through the days. I cried last week. It was really embarrassing. Anyway though. Sorry about this. Personal, lame shit is going down in my life. Until next time, guys.

Bear Holmes

so, there's this AU where everyone is genderbent! for me, i actually really liked the idea of having Bea just be transgender. hence, Bear. got it from a young age, the nickname came from nowhere (maybe because he kept calling Griz 'Bear'?) anyways, so he's a thing now, and he's brilliant. i dont have much energy to talk and talk about every detail about him though. so i'm gonna leave this at i drew him. it's an angsty picture (he'd have something like it in his vent sketchbook), and i'm just really proud of it, so here it is y'all.

ye! enjoy super sad and discriminated against Bear. this is also a PSA. do NOT use the terms shemale, tranny, it, and especially, do NOT call them a freak, nor use pronouns they don't identify with. it's super offensive, and just a shitty thing to do. anyway yeah!! there we are. until next time!

Alright Here We Are.

Okie dokies, we got a new url. yep. one more hyphen. just amazing, right? I'm so good at choosing new urls. Hopefully, I won't have to change it again. Anyways, we'll go back to our regularly scheduled program now. Sorry for the change!!!

A few problems.

Hiya guys! So lately, I've been thinking about changing my url. There's been issues with a girl who might be reading my blog (she's kinda bullying me lately), and I feel uncomfortable to have her reading my blog, so I'm changing my blog url. If you'd like to know what the new one is, email me at baileyjuke@gmail.com. otherwise, see y'all later!! (i'll give until Sunday, November 16th, at 12:00 PM.)

So!!!

As you have noticed, I posted a little story about a new OC that I didn't really talk about before. She's been a thing for a long time, but I never really made a bio for her. Maybe I will?? But for now, I'll show you the picture I drew of her.

Yeh man. Stella.

Stella Atlas Jones

I woke up early in the morning. Maybe it wasn’t even the morning, since outside my window the sky was still dark, but I was wide awake anyway. And why would I be? I was seventeen, on a weekend at that. I yawned, stretching, and turned my head left and right, feeling my neck crick. Then I saw myself looking in my mirror, as I do almost every morning, and just stared. 

I could faintly see my silhouette in the darkness, but my entirety wasn't what I was  focused on. Faintly, my navy blue eyes glowed, just barely, but enough that it stood out in the inky darkness. In my left eye, there was a slight twinkling. 

I stood quietly and walked over to my mirror, looking into my eye. There, up close, I could see the sky. Stars and galaxies glistened, an occasional shooting star passing by, right there in my iris. My pupil? Non existent. Instead, there was one star that never moved, unlike the rest that slowly spun around. That was how I was able to see. I glanced up at my hair, and sighed a little. 

I ran my fingers through a soft, almost fluffy head of white hair, and watched small pieces break off and float away. That’s right. My hair was a cloud. I shook my head a little and watched more tiny clouds pull off and float away, before disappearing, before grabbing a sweater off the back of my chair, and pulling it on. Floop! My hair made a little noise as the fabric pulled over it, and my hair bobbed a little bit, before settling back down in the messy, almost-afro like way it always did. 

 I remembered having normal hair though. Having pupils, looking normal. I remembered the day when I traded all that in, for the opportunity of having a connection with my late parents, who were stargazers at heart. They loved stars so much, they even named me Stella. I smiled slightly, remembering when I found myself in the stars, given the choice of being a celestial being. Being able to communicate with the constellations, being able to control them. The thought of being a true star girl gave me the comfort of the thought of being with my parents.Don’t get me wrong. I’m no super hero. I just wanted to feel a connection with the stars and my family. There was only one price to pay.

I pulled on some sweats and boots, and went back to my window. Quietly, I slid the window open, and hopped onto the fire escape, breathed in the cool air, and started clubbing up the stairs. My boots hardly made a sound on the metal, my hands sliding over the railings lightly, and I made it to the roof. I took a deep breath, and spread out my arms, opened my eyes. Suddenly, my left eye lit up, the stars brighter than ever, and soon, they were falling, melting down my cheek, my torso. The purple inkiness slowly skimmed down my arm, and I held out a hand. They reached my palm, and I felt the icy coldness of space, before it off. I watched as the night sky seemed to almost change, and soon, the stars were arranging themselves, forming shapes.

I smiled a little, and shifted forward, feeling the wind pick up slightly, pulling more chunks of hair from me, floating away into the sky, and I hastily pulled my sweater hood up over my head. “Hey there, Leo,” I said softly, and watched the lion made of stars shake its mane, made of pure space. His big paws moved and he came up to me, and I pet his head, smiling some more. “You called?” He turned his head, his mouth opening, closing, massive teeth made of planets clamping together. I giggled. “Ah, you’re hungry, hm?”

I shifted and put my palms to my heart, before pulling away. A small strand of my soul came with my hands, and I yanked harder, snapping the line. I felt lightheadedness take control for a moment, and I slumped against Leo, trying to gain strength again. “Oog…” I moaned quietly. Leo snuffed at me, and I could feel his concern. I was growing weaker. I smiled weakly, pushing myself off of the celestial creature, and held out the strand. “Here you go.” I mumbled. He hesitated before gently leaning forward, touching his nose to the strand, and I watched it disappear, turning into stardust. He nosed my sweater again, and I rubbed his mane again.

“I’m fine, Leo. I still have plenty to give.” I said, and watched as my palm glowed softly, and soon, Leo was dissolving, flowing back up my arm, and I felt the icy cool space climb back into my eye. I sighed, flopping down. I was tired. I watched the sky get lighter as night turned to day, the sky bursting with pinks and oranges. Slowly, all of the stars began to disappear, and it was morning. “Mmph.” I didn’t have anymore energy, but I had to move. I couldn’t let anyone see me. Not without putting on sunglasses and a wig, at least (which, mind you, is very hard. Try putting a cloud into a wig cap).

I forced myself to my feet, and quickly maneuvered down the fire escape to my open window, hopped in, and closed the window behind me. Then, I flopped down, closing my eyes. The thought of being found, taken away to be probed on, scared me. I never really believed in the whole alien-getting-probed thing when I was younger, but when you have the qualifications of an alien, you get paranoid. I pulled the shades shut as the sun started getting into my room, and laid back onto my bed. Pulling the covers over my head once again, I tried to find sleep,

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


Right now, I feel like I'm going through all of them, except for acceptance. I feel pathetic and stupid. I think, as of this moment, I'm mostly going through the second stage. Anger. I can't think about her without feeling some sort of anger. A part of me – a large part – wishes that since we broke it off, that everyone would break it off with her too. It's stupid, I know, but I can't get it out of my head, the burning anger. In class today, everyone sat with her, and I almost sat at the table too, but I knew that if I did, everyone would turn on my and make it a scene and tell me to go. They don't want more drama. It's bullshit.

I don't know what to do. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna scratch myself. During class I chewed at my nails till they bled, and then my bottom lip till it was shredded. I still can't lick my lips without the stinging feeling.

I want to sleep. I wanna forget about her. I wanna stop stealing glances at her. I hate this. I hate her.

Except, I know I don't. I just feel angry at everything. This is all so stupid.

Unexpected News

A writing prompt: Write a story in which your protagonist gets unexpected news.

I was in the training room when the news came. It was Tyler who walked into the room, his face not showing any emotion. After years of war, he learned to cover it. But it always showed in his eyes. Disappointment and grief.

“Bea." I looked up from what I was doing, sharpening my knives, and my stomach dropped when my eyes met his. He took a deep breath, making the twisting feeling in my gut worsen, and then he spoke. His voice was quiet. "Anthony was found dead this morning, out in the woods. Puncture wound to the throat. No signs of struggle.” He faltered, letting the words hang in the air for a long moment. “His cards were gone."

Only then did he look away, his eyes trying to find another place to stick to. It took a moment to sink in, but when it did, everything turned sharp. My fingertips felt cold. I stood suddenly, my knives clattering to the ground, and brushed past Tyler. I slowly walked down the hall, making my way to where I knew where everyone would be.

Finally, I came upon a big room, dark, lit only by candles. New and old pictures of soldiers lost in the war were scattered everywhere, pinned to walls or set up on chairs, taped to columns. Little notes were next to some. A small group of people were gathered in a corner,  around a small, dusty picture of Anthony.

Only one person noticed my presence, Shade. She turned, opened her mouth to say something, but I moved forward and pushed past her, through the crowd. When I made it to the front, I saw the picture of Anthony. It was the one I found in the abandoned part of the Italian base with him. He was young, still wearing a suit, gloves. His eyes were dull and his face was free of emotion.

This was the only picture of him. 

To think, that this was the only memory that would be kept of him. When he had just started, killing innocent people, full of bitterness, full of regret. He looked nothing like he had, just yesterday. A small smile lighting up his face, his eyes warm, full of love. Hair messy and in his eyes. Not tucked under a tall top hat, like in the photo.

Without thinking, I put my hand on it, gently brushing the photo with my fingertips, the cold, smooth paper. Then my hand clenched, and the picture folded in my fist. My knuckles were white. Only then did I notice my hand was shaking.

“B…Bea…?" I recognized the quiet voice as Hank, but didn’t reply. I looked at the crumpled picture, at Anthony's now distorted face, and I ripped it off the wall.

"Bea, what are you d–” I tore it in half, once, twice, over and over until I couldn’t anymore, until the pieces were too small to rip, then dropped the pieces onto the ground. I spoke quietly, my voice hoarse and broken.

"That is not Anthony Rousseaux."

I turned on my heel and left, pushing through my friends and coworkers. No one spoke a word as I passed. Making my way down the hall, my head wasn't working right. The world was dizzying, everything was going blurry. My feet felt numb, my hands as well. Everything felt wrong.

Memories flashed through my head of him and me, dancing, hugging, talking. Our first kiss. Falling asleep tangled up with him. I found myself in my room, our room, and I stumbled into the bathroom where I fell to my knees, puking into the toilet.

Anthony's dead. The thought circled in my head. Over and over. Anthony's dead. Anthony's dead. I curled up on the cool tile, hugging my knees to my chest. Anthony's dead. Tears started to blur my vision. Anthony's dead. A choked sob was torn from my lips. 

He's dead.

hah a.,, ..

oh my god. oh my god i feel so sick. like. just. i don't know. this girl came up to me and she looked really distressed and angry and said she was gonna talke to me in fourth period and i don't know what i did but i'm scared and i've been feeling sick all day and i wanna throw up. i tried asking my friend to drive me home but they said they couldn't miss any of fourth period and so i'm stuck here, but i might just. skip fourth period. a-anyway. i also lost my arrowhead. which is making me nervous and frustrated. i need to find it. i need to find it or i might get worse. oh god. oh god i wanns go home. i need a hug.

Cancer (?) (?)

so here's her bio!! also i got a better picture up on the last post about her yeh yeh.

Gender:

Female

Sexual Orientation:

Aromantic/asexual

Age:

Nineteen (Birthday being October 31st, 1995)

Height:

5’3’’

Status:

Antagonist

Power:

She’s able to render victims unable to move or think, and sometimes even function, for long periods of time. To be able to do this, her eyes have a sort of hypnotical sense to them, with a black and white swirl in replace of irises and pupils, she makes them turn, so that they spin, putting their victims in a trance, and depending on how long she has them under this trance, the longer and more stronger the effect will last.

Since she was created out of a nightmare, she is also able to enter and manipulate people’s dreams, turning them into her own nightmare of choice. She tends to enjoy screwing up people’s heads to the point where they are scarred and sometimes sent into insanity.

Appearance:

She is all black and white, including her skin, eyes, and blood. She has short, messy hair that’s black and white mixed together, always sticking out in places. Her eyes, as described before, are white with a black swirl leading to the center of her eyeball, with no sign of pupils or irises, but it seems that the center of the swirl could be the pupils, as they move around her eye when she is looking around.

She wears a flowing, puffy dress that goes to her mid thighs, with shoulderless sleeves down to her hands. The skirt of the dress is striped black and white, while the top is pitch black. The entire dress is in tatters, ripped at the hem of the skirt, and on her sleeves as well. She also wears boots going up to her calves, black with small heels, laced up.

She also likes to usually carry some sort of knife with her at all times, sometimes jagged, sometimes curved, long, short, always black and white. She’s able to change the shape and size of it, but only in nightmares.

She is technically a nightmare creation, so she isn’t actually real, unable to hurt you in real life. But on Halloween, she becomes real for twenty four hours, and is able to be seen. She takes advantage of that, and many people disappear on Halloween. After Halloween passes, she is incredibly weak, and unable to even enter dreams for the entirety of November.

Personality:

Absolutely insane. She loves to draw glass shattering screams out of her victims, loves to spill blood, loves to send people to mental hospitals. She always seems happy, and it’s very difficult to get her to be angry. If you do manage to anger her, she will hurt you so badly that it will become an actual injury, not just in your dreams.

She likes to play games as well, and will get really excited if you agree to play with her. She has an amazing sense to tell if you’re lying or cheating, though, and will give mock sadness that you’re “not playing fair”.

Background/Backstory:

On one Halloween, in 1995, she was born after a girl in an insane asylum had such a horrible nightmare that she became real. She’s been traveling around the world since, scarring all sorts of people.

DRAWING IS AMAZING YET SO FREAKING FRUSTRATINGGGGG

so i drew another new OC! her name is Cancer, and i have absolutely nothing else on her except for the fact that she's fairly (extremely) violent. i'll probs make her a bio sometimeeeeeeeee :3

"whoops! heehee."

yeah basically she's all black and white. even her blood is black. eheh. she has swirly eyes. wears pretty dresses that are all torn up, boots that are laced up. behind her back is probably a knife. yup yup. basically i just created her out of my pure anger towards drawing, as you can see with all the messy liiinessss. anyway, until next time, my pretties. c:

i'm so happy

oh my gosh okay i'm getting slightly better at drawing. so my friend tried to draw her OTP, Bea and Shi (her character), hugging, but it didn't work out at all, so she gave it to me. i decided to try and give it a go, and i'm so happy with the results!!! the height difference between them is so cute (i'm such a sucker for height differences oh my go d). so of course, the taller one is Bea, and the shorter, blushier one is Shi!!!

I wish I could've gotten a before photo, but oh well!!!!

holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy sh–

i'm so fucking angry. oh my god. oh my fucking god. i think i'm gonna throw up i'm so angry. this is great. this is fucking great. i need a hug but it's like, no one is gonna wanna fucking hug me because i'm so pissed off! and like, it's fucking amazing because i know i'm gonna be fucking made up at lunch by Madison and my girlfriend because when i'm this angry i start fucking swearing all the time (like you can see now) and basically every other word is "fuck" and they laugh at me which just makes me feel self-conscious as fuck and oh my GOD i'm so fucking mad! and it's like, after lunch i get to have stupid fucking Creative Writing with Sara and it's gonna hurt like a bitch like fucking always and then Mr. Parker's gonna call me out because i forgot to bring fucking food for food Friday and it's all just FUCKING AMAZING i'm gonna  fucking cry fuck.

A shitty upload of a shitty picture

I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it just turned out horrible. Here's an attempt at Bea, which is distorted by the fold in the paper. The style of it is just all wrong for meee......

GOD ITS SO BAD I APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF YOUUUUUUu....

Sweet Sixteenth!

So today is a character's birthday, Shade Grey! And even though I'm not supposed to be talking about her, because she isn't my character, I felt like she should have some sort of recognition. It's her sweet sixteenth, anyway. *smiles a little* so this is probably the last time I'm gonna be able to talk about her, and I wanna make it special. So, here's a little oneshot, the last one of Bear. Yes, I know, the best lesbian ship ever, to disappear. It's a shame. *sighs and falls over* but so anyway, let's do thisssss.

i'm so good at titles guys seriously.

so i was thinking, maybe i should make another blog for all my sad posts? cause i know y'all don't like that, like the sad vibes. it sucks. but then i also didn't wanna deal with two blogs, and especially with one that's just completely depressing. i want a balanced blog like this one. a little sadness and then a little happiness. this time it's gonna be a little sad, folks. just tune the heckie while i vent.

so here's the deal. for years now, i diagnosed myself as depressed, and that i have anxiety (my parents refuse to go get me tested. hA). i've been dealing with all that. but the thing is, i manage. i've overcome my suicidal moments a ton, and the entire thing of being depressed. i'm scared of veins and self harm so i doubt i'll ever cut myself. *shudders* but then i find little loopholes. it's not that bad but i do find ways to hurt myself. so here's a little list of what i do to myself on occasion:

- scratch my arms
- burn myself/freeze myself in the shower with water temperatures
- scratch my head so badly that it bleeds (god it makes such a sticky messss bleh)
- bite my hands/arms
- tear my skin with an arrowhead
- choke myself with a necklace/rope
- starve myself

there's probably more but that's a bit much, huh? so yeah, a list of what i do. i'm getting better with a lot of the things, like starving myself, or freezing/burning myself, biting, scratching. but i'm still doing that whole thing of tearing my skin with an arrowhead, and choking myself. and i'm even getting better with the whole "i wanna kill myself thing"! now i just fantasize about getting hit by a car and being put into a coma for like, six months. *sighs longingly* damn.

now there really wasn't any point to this part. i just. idk. felt like organizing myself. i'm making definite progress. it's good! i'm happy that i'm getting a little better. kinda.


so here's the other part.

you've all heard about my friend, Sara, who now is gone from my life, and will probably never come back. it kinda hurt, a lot, but for more reasons than one. not only was she one of my best friends, and that i believed we were getting better, but that... *sighs* i have feelings for her. though i try to deny it, it's true, and it's there, and it's difficult. i have a girlfriend who i love so much, i'm in love with her, but i can't shove down my feelings for Sara forever. so here i am, confessing to strangers (and hopefully not anyone i know. i'm hoping none of my friends read this. eek.)

i'm kinda scared by the thought of having romantic feelings for two people at once, so i've been trying to stop feeling things for Sara. it's really hard, and i don't know if it'll work, but i'm trying. i'm scared i'll lose Allie if i don't. she told me she feels sick whenever she thinks about how i still have feelings for Sara.

so i'm hoping that since she's gone i'll stop, right? but nope. i shouldnt but i steal glances at her sometimes, and feel sick myself. there's times where i laugh so hard and out of the corner of my eye i know shes looking at me. i've practically been forcing so much happiness out of me by the time the day is over im so exhausted that i just kinda go numb, like i am now. it's not very healthy, i don't think. but at least i'm feeling genuine happiness most of the time. its what she wanted from me.

there's also this other girl that i'm starting to cut my ties with. Madison. for a long time, i've been thinking about it. she's always gotten into my business, comparing my relationships with her own. in a memoir of hers she even explicitly said a small part of her hated me for having feelings for Sara. but it's like, she just...frustrates me so much, for so many reasons that i'm not gonna talk about right now. i'm just kinda afraid that she's gonna grow closer to Sara, and then something bad'll happen. call me paranoid or jealous, but yeah, it's on my mind.

so i'm just trying to drown everything out. i'm clinging desperately to anything that'll keep me even a little happy. i'm seeing myself grow staticky, not really caring about if i don't finish my homework. not caring if my grades drop. maybe if i'm held back i will feel better. (doubt it.)

i only kept a few friends from all of this. i used to have so many and now i only have Siri, Alix, and Allie. *laughs weakly* i keep thinking, if i did something different with Sara, didn't tell her what i did, maybe she wouldn't be so hung up on me. maybe if i didn't tell anyone at all about when we started dating, then Anna wouldn't lie to Sara about how i "spread rumors" and her mom wouldn't be saying "you're just confused and she's not trustworthy". i can't help but feel like i'm the main cause of her insecurity of so many things. and yet, i'm selfish, and i wish that i was still friends with her. fuck. ugh.

i'm not going anywhere with this vent but i guess that's the point. just kinda exploding what i'm thinking about. idk. i'm kinda just. bleh. yeah. bleh. that's a perfect word to describe me right now. so anywhoooo. short and sweet. everything is falling apart, my head is spinning, i have feelings for a girl i really should not have feelings for, and i'm struggling with not being numb. woo!!!!!!! let's see if i can keep myself happy.


PS: everytime i listen to music the song Somewhere Only We Know comes on and I just feel my heart stop because it makes me think of Sara. it's great. try it, listen to a song that makes you think of someone painful. 100000/10 would recommend. :'D

Elise Grace Dashner

My first new OC!!

Gender:

Female

Sexual Orientation:

Heterosexual

Age:

Eighteen (Birthday being January 12th, 1996)

Height:

5’6’’

Status:

Protagonist

Ranking:

Loner

Appearance:

She has light blue eyes, and frizzy, messy, light-orange hair that's always pulled into a knotted braid (she doesn't really take care of it). It goes down to her shoulder blades, and sometimes she throws a headband into the mess. She has piebaldism so she has a few streaks of white in her hair as well, and her skin is splotchy.

Her body is in in the middle of pudgy and skinny, with bigger calves and curvier hips, but a smaller waist. She likes to wear old, pilled sweaters that have little holes in the edges, almost always big enough so that it falls past her hands. She also wears black jeans that are frayed at the bottoms. She wears boots with soles worn thin.  

She has a dirty, grey messenger bag that she carries with her at all times, marked up with sharpies and pins, and little keychains. Inside is a first aid kit, some water and cans of food, a little journal and pencil, and a small bunny stuffed animal, the tail missing.

Personality:

Known as “little thistle” by her late-parents, she’s a prickly, stubborn girl who enjoys only the presence of small children or animals. She gets frustrated easily and acts out on impulse, but has a good sense of what to do (most of the time, at least). She doesn’t exactly have a soft spot for anyone, but can feel lonely at times, and will seek company (though she quickly turns to dislike said company).

Background/Backstory:

(to be written on a later date)

lol nop e

I AM SO INCOnsistent. It's great. Like I shut down this blog and then bring it back and then shut it down again and here I am. Reopening it. hAAAHHAHAHA. So here's how it goes. Since Divided is now like, shut own, gone, whoosh! I'm stuck with all my OCs. And then recently I've just been. Making more. Yep. This is how I deal with my anguish. But I always come back to Bea, my one and true love, my favorite character who I could never part ways with. She's a part of me and I'm a part of her. So I'm not just gonna leave her to rot. :D

So this blog is now going to be a playland for me and my OCs. I'll try and post art sometimes, post new bios, little drabbles, maybe even a short story! It'll be fun, trust me guys. Also, I own the rights to these characters, but if you need some inspiration you can take some characteristics for your characters!!

And so, this is my grand re-reopening! Haha! YEaaaaaah, this is gonna be like Bob's Burgers opening title thing, isn't it. Oh welllll~

Until next time, my lovely lovelies. *grins and disappears*

untitled

So, i guess this is the last post on this blog. just yesterday, i was happy and excited and just having a great time, until my friend shared a doc with me, and then i read it. it basically said that she and two others were thinking about shutting down everything, deleting the documents that we made together, erasing the story. erasing Divided. they said we need to move on, and that it's basically a horrible thing that needs to go. i found out my friend also blocked me so i guess i reminded her of the story too much. i don't know. so i'm gonna stop posting on here, just leave it to rot. i don't have the heart to delete this blog.

it's kinda funny how they all agree it's bad for us. for me, the roleplay, the whole world we created together, it helped me. when i was at my lowest, this made me feel better. it made me closer to some. i finally had a world where i could run away to and escape the daily pressures and the stress and the hate and everything. i could just write, and fall in love with the story all over again. i guess what i'm trying to get at was that this story was keeping my chin above the water of reality. and now that it's being shut down, well, i'm drowning.

just last night, i ripped up my arm without really thinking about it. i started crying and i felt numb and i realized just how stupid i was, looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. i'm sorry this is so depressing and stupid. i'm kinda at a loss for what i'm supposed to do now.

so, i guess this is it. i'm sorry, all. sorry, Sara, for whatever i did.

see you all on the flip side.

Happy Halloween!!

Hey guys! I just wanted to wish you all a great Halloween, and the hopes of not getting cavities. Also, here's a little something that I made. It's the crew, all ready for trick or treating! From left to right, it's Nate, Shade, Darel, and Bea. Anyways, see you all next time!! (click on the picture for the full size)

A Halloween RP (and some pictures)

To start off, I made a version of Bea for Halloween, and she is a vampire. She's very cute as a vampire. mhm. I also did one for Shade, in which she's in a dungeon (probs just getting done with almost killing someone), and is covered in blood. c:

And, a roleplay! It'll steadily get larger so I'll put it under a read more, and I'll just keep it under this post. So for updates on the roleplay, just click the RP and you'll see all replies, from my friend and from me. The characters of my friend are Shade, Nate, and Jade. I have Bea, Lea, and Jade. Ye. So let's begin!

(to accompany the post below)

Father was the one who told me.

"Coach of football team, 

perfectly healthy, 

dropped lifeless with stopped heart."

Father said nonchalantly,

as if was any                                                   other                                             news.

I nodded, continued conversation, but later,

I grieved.

Even though I didn’t know his name,

I grieved.

No clue what he looked like,

I still grieved.

Allie said 

my mind was b e a u t i f u l . 

People perish, every day.

But I managed to grieve for all of them. 

But question is, 

why wouldn’t you grieve for someone who 

ceases to exist?

A Farewell

So, I'm not going to explain anything. this hasn't been edited, or reread. just typed once. sorry, this is a little heavy today.

Dear Sara’s Grandma,

I’m writing to someone I’ve never met, and someone I never will meet. You died, on Thursday morning of last week. I never heard about you until early September, from your granddaughter, Sara. She told me that you meant so much to her, and that it was her fault that you were dying. 

I didn’t understand what was happening, why she thought it was her fault, but I knew that she loved you a lot. So I’m writing to you as a goodbye from a stranger. Although I will forget you in my later years, I remember you for now, and I want to say that I hope you’re in good hands now. I promised Sara that you would be, and that it would be better this way. That you would feel better once it was over.

But this isn’t just a farewell. Your granddaughter is brave, and scared at the same time. You told her to watch out for her family, and to be strong, and for a fifteen year-old, that is too much to ask for on your death bed. She is under pressure and is slowing cracking, and to hear that she needs to do even more than she is now from her grandmother who is slowly withering away… It made her shatter on the inside. I don’t mean to be cruel or make you guilty, just know that she is trying, for you, and that she cannot always keep your wishes.

I will keep an eye out for her, and to help her carry the weight on her shoulders. I promise you that. So, farewell, Sara’s grandmother. I hope you have a good life on the other side.

Sincerely, Bailey Giauque

....

"Well, ah, actually, Shade...There's ahaha...there's a reason why I dragged you out here. I um, well, god, I'm bad with words. I ah...Here, this flower reminded me of your eyes. *nervous laughter* I really um, I really like you, Shade. Would you like to, I dunno, go out sometime? U-Unless you don't like me back. Then. Then just forget everything. I'll burn the flower."

(For those who are confused, it's a little reply to a friend who called me out on her blog. sorry, y'all, it's a private blog. you're gonna have to deal. but look! it's a picture of my character! huzzah!!!!!)

Ever Get That Feeling?

Okay, so, I wanna talk about my characters a little. I love them all so much, but then there's just the main two: Bea and Jade. No one knows Lea, no one knows Oliver. No one has any special connection with them, and probably never will (I doubt we'll ever restart the restart). And it just....kinda sucks? I don't know how to explain it.

Everyone loves Bea so much, and everyone knows Jade and has their emotions towards her, whether it be love or hatred, they at least has something for them. There's a song for Lea called Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling, and I fell in love with it, because it describes her so well. Always surrounded by gears and metal and all of her work, and she's always alone. She's somewhat friends with Jade, and has her brother, Oliver, but she always ends up smothering herself with her work, and she never really has a life.

She feels like she can't, because she's devoted to the Shadows and because of her intelligence, she feels that she has better things to do, more things to develop. So she isn't exactly happy. So she hopes for someone to come in, to take her away from everything, to distract her. To shatter her. To make her feel alive. And because everyone already has their own thoughts and ships and everything...it feels like she'll never find anyone. And that just makes me feel sad. I hope something develops someday. That I'll figure something out and she can have a happy ending.

*sighs* Sorry, this is a sorta sad post, huh? Oh well. Sorry for the whole thing of not posting in a while, school is making me very panicky and that's kinda the priority for now. But I promise when I have time (like now), I'll try and muster up somethin'. *grins* until then, later!!

Wow, a Post That's Not About The Roleplay??

damn, this is weird. I basically made this blog for Divided, but as you can (hopefully) remember, I did say that it was also going to have some personal stuff too. So, today, I'm just gonna ramble about this year's Banzai, and also Halloween.

So, last year, maybe you remember my four (five? idk) posts about Banzai, and my cosplays, and the struggles and the fun times and all that. Well, that time is rolling around again! I'm excited but also nervous as hell to go, because for one, this year, I'm sticking with Tori and their friends only. Because of the fact that Alix, Madison, and Sara all can't go, Siri decided that it wasn't worth it, and now Allie doesn't really seem like she wants to go. So I'm ah, I'm really bummed out about that. *sighs* I wish we could all go. Last year it was really fun to be with all my friends and hang out. Oh well. Maybe I convince Allie to still go...?

But, besides that, let's get onto the part that I wanna ramble about. My cosplays. Talking to some of my friends, I found out that some are taking around like, eight cosplays with them. Like, no thanks. I would prefer not to have to lug all that around and have to deal with changing in the middle of the day. But, perhaps, I might have more than three cosplays this time 'round.

So, this year, I'm gonna be kinda dull. I'm gonna be actual Aradia this time, unlike last year (which was a sucky try at human Aradia). I even got my horns and fixed my shirt!!!! I'm so excited to try and be her this year. Next, I'm going to try and be fem!Karkat. What I wanna try and do is find a turtleneck black sweater (hopefully it won't be super hot there) and then get grey jeans and grey paint, and paint the turtleneck. I'll most likely use my Aradia wig, and just pull it into a braid or pigtails, I dunno yet. I'm also gonna try and pull back my Crockercorp Jade this year (yeah, I know, lame reusing cosplays). I just have the slight issue that my friend took my skirt so uh, hopefully I'll get that back. Ahaha. *shifts a little*

But, I also am starting to pull together another cosplay! Recently, I lost my heart and my soul to a show called Gravity Falls. My heart was taken by the main character, Dipper Pines, the dorky and nerdy and paranoid noodle kid. So, I wanted to try and take a stab at cosplaying fem!Dipper! I have the hat, shorts, and hair to do it. I just need the vest and the shirt, and then I'm set, I suppose.

Anywho, I'm a bit scared and nervous about this year's Banzai. Hopefully I won't be pulled into the drama there and end up crying and having a breakdown (like so many do o~o)

Next on my agenda is Halloween. I'm panicky about that thing. Idk what to do for it. I might do fem!Dipper (most likely, if I can't pull it together by Banzai), or maybe do Charlie Brown ghost (but that's pretty lame), but I also really really really wanna do a cheshire cat kinda thing. but that's kinda hard to do with all the dressing and then the makeup (I wanna do the cool mouth thing), and I probably wouldn't be able to trick or treat in that costume. So, maybe I'll just do fem!Dipper. Idk man. I'm panicky. q-q

So yeah, that's all on my mind. I should be focusing on school, but nope. It's cosplay month. WOO.

OH! A final note. Allie wanted all of us to go to Banzai, and cosplay our characters. So she'd be Anthony, I'd be Bea, Sara would be Shade, Siri would be Lizzie, Alix would be Shi (you haven't really met her), and Madison would be Skyler (nor her). Allie already has most of her cosplay put together and she's ho t. I would like to cosplay Bea too. Maybe someday...*looks off into the distance* . . . what was the point of this paragraph? I dunno. Just a little thought of mine. ANYWAY! Until next time!!!!! :D

Whoa who would've guessed I sure didn't

Yeah it's more Neat. sorry.

*whiSTLES LOUDLY* GOD DAMN.

SO HEY GUYS GUESS WHO'S OFFICIALLY TRASH? THAT'S RIGHT, ME.
i've basically sold my soul to Neat. wow. that ah, that did not take long at all. hmmmmmm. anyway, the point of this post is to demonstrate just how completely fricked i am. on Tumblr, good ol Tumblr, there's a lot of posts on there. lots of them have to do with random shit. and others have to do with OTP oneshot prompts. so, there's one where it's along the lines of "that one ship where they "hate" each other so much but would be completely devastated if something happened to the other." yeah, yeah that's Neat. the other one is "what a nice otp you have there it'd be a shame if oNE WAS BRUTALLY EXECUTED IN FRONT OF THE OTHER." hmmm. "imagine if person A took the fatal shot for person B, but instead of a dramatic death scene playing out, person A is dead before they hit the ground." ....yeah. here you go. all wrapped up nicely for you. good luck.

  I didn’t think about it. I just moved, closing my eyes, gritting my teeth. “Move!” I shouted,  jumping forward. I slammed into Nate, pushing him down, away from the gunshot. I felt it rip into my chest, coughed out some blood. Opening my eyes, I collapsed, crumpling. I hit the ground dead.

   I stared down the barrel of the gun, accepting my fate. But then, I heard her. “Move!” Bea screamed, and I felt myself being shoved. I fell, and I heard the shot ring out in the silence. I turned my head, and saw her crumple to the floor, her eyes open still. She was staring into nothing. A bit of blood dribbled from her lips. Forgetting where I was for a moment, I scrambled over to her. My hands barely touched her as I rolled her over. A dark red stain was spreading from her shirt, a ragged hole right over her heart.
“Bea.” I whispered. “Wake up. Bea, stop playing around.” I reached out and brushed a strand of hair from her face. Her skin was cool already. “Get up. Stop. You aren’t dead. Get up.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Jade. She was still holding the gun, smoke trailing from the barrel. I realized I was shaking, ever so slightly. No.
  “Even if she played hero to save your life, you’re still at your execution, Jones.” I felt my Shadow stir. I didn’t try to stop myself. Not this time.
  “You shot her.” I rasped, my voice dry, low. “You killed her.” Jade raised the gun, blowing the smoke away. I felt myself slipping. “Obviously.” She said, and motioned to some guards. They stepped towards me. I glanced down at Bea, and saw her hazy violet eyes. Then, I lost it.

#REGRET

Okay. Okay so not only is this late, but. But I'm just trash. So like, two posts ago, I wrote a Neat thing. A little drabble. Well in that small amount of time between then and now, I kinda started shipping Neat hard. And by hard, I mean really fucking hard. I wrote smut for it. I am so sorry. I'll put it under a cut. (U////////////U)

A Childhood Incident

So, a part of Jade's backstory is a bit...hazy. In her description, it's said that she has a long, horizontal scar running across her cheek, from an incident when she was a child. Some were confused about it. So, I decided to try and write what had happened. To give some background, Jade used to be called a witch child because of her odd looks, and because she couldn't touch anyone without making them pass out, or become very weak. At home, she would be beaten by her father. But, she made a friend (that she slowly started to fall in love with) that had the same situation at home. They stayed friends for a little, until one night...

We Interrupt This Program For a...Neat Announcement.

I turned the corner of the hallway, taking a sip from my flask, before hitting someone, and grunted, stumbling back. Quickly slipping my flask away, I glared at whoever hit me, a sharp remark on my tongue. 

My hazy violet eyes met frosty blue ones, and I realized it was Nate.

“Oh. You.” I said, faint disgust in my voice. I noticed that some of my whiskey has spilled onto his shirt, and he reached up with a handkerchief - a handkerchief - and patted the stain. 

“Yeah. Me. Seems your recklessness has gotten the best of you yet again, Holmes,” he said, angrily. “Ugh, whiskey stains horribly. I should have you marked up for this. Underaged drinking in school. Absolutely ludicrous.” I rolled my eyes, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. 

“It’s not illegal in Europe,”  I said, crossing my arms.

“We’re in America.” 

I shrugged. “Same difference.” 

He sighed, annoyed, and tried to get past me. “Honestly, you’re not even worth my time–” I stuck my foot out and tripped him, making him stumble and almost fall.  I smirked, and he turned, his eyes flashing. 

“What was that Jones? Couldn’t hear you over how awesome I am.” I turned to him and stepped forward, getting into his face. “You’re just some pretentious lame-ass that’s manipulative. That’s all you’ll ever be. Stop pretending you’re so high and mighty, nerd.” He glared at me a second longer before smirking, leaning right back, so we were inches apart.

“Same with you, Beatrix,” I cringed, glaring furiously at him, “you’re nothing but a drunk, arrogant, good for nothing–” I grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him a few inches up, before pushing him into the wall. He raised an eyebrow, clearly enjoying the fact that I was getting annoyed. I gritted my teeth, holding him there.

“If ya knew what was good fer ya, you’d shut up,” I hissed, my southern accent peeking out. He smiled some more, letting me hold him in the air. “You don’t scare me, Bea, in fact, you hardly intimidate me. Much less impress me.” I felt him trying to get into my head, stir my emotions.

“To be completely honest, the only thing you make me feel is slightly…” I felt an emotion click in my head, and heat flooded my stomach, making my thoughts go fuzzy. 

“…turned on.” 

I felt my grip on him slacken, watched him come back down to eye level. I pressed him into the wall as lust overtook my senses for a short moment, just enough to make me lean forward and catch his smirk in a kiss.

Fuck.

Oliver Ace Vindico

As I said a few posts back, I have a new character. I actually really like him. No one else does. One of my friends especially. She said he was stupid. ._. but! I shall still love him, because he's awesome, and kinda like, the only POC character. :\ we weren't really good with that. I'm trying to fix that. Anyways!!! Here's my new character that I adore!!!!!! :D

Oliver Ace Vindico

Gender:

Male, Gender-fluid

Age:

20 years old (Birthday being November 11th)

Height:

6’ 3’’

Status:

Antagonist/Neutral

Ranking:

He’s part of the aerials, just another solider of the Shadows. He prefers to go bye himself, and usually strays from the main group that he’s assigned to. He likes to fancy himself as a higher ranking, as he should be, but every time he almost gets promoted he ends up pulling a prank or doing something wrong, and does not. He also is a part of the Shadows more casual side, where people work to give food, or heal, or anything. Instead of being useful, he has a tattoo parlor. Though, he’s pretty popular.

Power:

He’s an animator. Not one who writes and makes cartoons, but instead, can bring inanimate objects to life, or make things that can come to life. Think of Mickey Mouse and the wizard hat. How he’s able to animate the broom to be able to work for him. Oliver can do that. Although, he usually does it with slightly more fun objects, and with better motivation. This is also why he has a tattoo parlor. He gives people moving tattoos, such as a tree blowing in an imaginary wind, a cat licking its paw, etc. 

Besides his animation ability, he has one ace up his sleeve that earned him a spot in the aerials: he has wings. A spinoff of Darel and Shade’s experiment, Lea decided to take her stepbrother and give him the DNA of a hawk, and with that, came wings, an hawk’s vision. He uses a sniper rifle to take out his enemies from above.

Appearance:

Oliver has shaggy black hair that’s spiked up in the back, and always wind swept. It occasionally falls into his eyes, a dark, dark brown color. He likes to wear eyeliner around his eyes. He has light, pale skin, usually only dirt smudges marking up his cheeks. He usually wears plain t-shirts, and a long, black trench coat over it. Wrapped around his neck, he has a red scarf given to him by his sister, though it’s a bit old and dirty from the years. He likes to wear skinny jeans, and bright red chucks. He has massive black wings (usually hidden under the trench coat - but you can see slits in the trench coat where the wings can peek through) that have a span of three of him. They usually brush the ground behind his feet.

On his back he has a sniper rifle, strapped around, and on his belt he always has more rounds, ready to be in action at any moment. He has tattoo sleeves, with Japanese art, dragons, cherry blossoms, and samurais. On his back he has a dragon, reaching from his neck to his ass, and it swirls around, occasionally blowing flames along his shoulders.

Personality:

Oliver has a heart of gold, and a mind that doesn’t really know what’s going on. When he was brought into the Shadows, Lea went into his head, and poked around until she rewired it so that he doesn’t have any morals. He honestly doesn’t think killing is bad, and kinda enjoys it when he’s in the air, thinking it’s a game. He’s extremely sweet, and very casual around everyone. He’s aromantic, and used to have flings with his friend, Bea, before she left to go to the Shadows. He loves to pull pranks, and also cause trouble, and generally has a care free vibe about him, not really caring for all that dull war stuff. He rarely ever gets serious.

Other Information:

Oliver is from South Korea, his mom marrying Lea’s father, and making him her step-brother. He was all for joining the Shadows, and joined when he was fifteen, making it his fifth year with them. Lea was originally going to ignore him, but started to grow a soft spot for him, and when she found out his ability to animate things, she decided to bring him in and make him more useful. 

Kill Count: 

He doesn’t like to keep a count (not that he would remember anyway).

And here's a picture of him! God. I love him. His wings are wrong but that' the best I could do. I assure you, he does not have tiny little bat wings. Nope. But so yeah! He's probably going to show up often now, since he has been properly introduced. c: Until next time!

o H SHIT

OH MY GOSH I FORGOT TO UPDATE THIS BLOG FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS SHIT MAN SHIT SHIT SHIT OKAY SORRY

aHh I'm crying I'm so sorry guys! QoQ Okay, okay so, let's just ignore my complete forgetting to update. Okay. So, in my last post, I was talking about my need to change Jade, my super unoriginal character, into someone that would fit the part of a sadistic-al and cold queen/leader of the Shadows. And, I think I found the answer. So, from Jade Harley...to Jade Hexe Young!

To start off, I kept her first name, as you can see. She's just always going to be Jade, and that's perfectly fine with me. Her middle name is actually a small little joke. Not really. But kinda. So, Jade is from German heritage, and when she was born, her father called her "Ah! Hexe! Hexe!" Hexe means "witch" in German. I mean, you'd be a little startled when your child has white hair and bright red eyes, right? So, her father just called her Hexe from then on. So as a cruel joke, she took that name up as her middle name. Isn't that just funny?! Hahaha...haaaa......................anyway. Her last name, it was actually just picked randomly. It sounded like a pretentious last name, and so I shrugged and put it as her last name. I kinda like it, actually. Jade Hexe Young.

Now, to get rid of her look as to Fem! Prussia, I decided to change only a couple things. I wanted to keep her red eyes and white hair, because that's a big part of her. So, instead, I focused on what hair style she has, and her outfit. Before, it was a red, white, and blue colored pirate outfit. Which was really weird. I didn't really...get...why I did that...But! It's much better now.

So, basically, what she wears now, is military type dresses that are black, and knee high wedges, that are also black. She has badges and such on her chest, and wears a belt that has her sword on it, but other than that she rarely wears any makeup or jewelry. Sometimes she's seen with a small red cross on, and mascara, but other than that, nothing else. It's basic and also, really nice. One problem with the outfit that I'm going to show you, the boots are off. I couldn't find exactly what I wanted on the site I made the outfit on, so it's a separate picture.

As you can see, the boots are much different. Much cooler. Mhmmhm. Anyways, moving onto her hair, I think I'm going to have it be at just past her shoulders, somewhat rounded in, so if she's leaning forward you can tell easily that it's curled slightly at the tips. I didn't really want her to hair straight hair, so this works. So, yeah! The revamped Jade Young. Woo! Sorry again for the late post, and until next time!!

Jade Harley --> ????

Okay, so recently I've been stressing about if I actually wrote the book. Because, um, well there's a lot of problems with one of my characters. For one, like ninety percent of her is not even my idea. Whoops. I originally just took a free-form character named Jade, and turned her into a girl with long white hair and red eyes, and gave her a last name. But the problem is, the character design was a bit unoriginal. The name I gave her was Jade Harley. And, if you look way back into my posts, you'll see that I basically just took the name from a character from Homestuck.

Which is bad. Not only that though, when looking for pictures of a girl with long white hair and red eyes, I stumbled upon gender bent Hetalia. Hetalia is an anime about personified countries. The picture of the girl I was looking exactly for was the girl version of Prussia, an albino.

I just rolled with the whole pirate outfit. But so anyways, I um, I decided I needed to redo like, all of her design. New name, new look. Although, I think I might keep the name Jade, just because a new first name puts a whole different spin on the character, and none of my friends would really like if I did that. So, basically everything minus her first name.

So I know there's like, no one out there, so I can't be all, "Oh, choose between this name and this one!" because I know I wouldn't get any response. So instead, I'm just going to think about it myself, and maybe post my thoughts, and then a new design. And maybe a different design.

That's basically what's happening, yo.

To Start Off, A Message

So, to those who are confused as to what the role-play, or Divided is, it's basically a book that my friends and I wrote together. It never was finished, and never was polished to where it was good. We tried to polish it but then we dropped it, and never came back. I doubt anyone is gonna come back, either.
Me and a friend had a fallout, and she isn't really in the friend group anymore. It's kinda really depressing. Not only that, but now that she's gone, most of the inspiration is gone too, and so I'm sitting here, kinda sad. No one is going back to the role-play, and it really sucks. Why? Because I loved it. It was fun, and it was creative, and it distracted me from how much I didn't like life. It kept me happy. I had characters and ideas that I loved, and I loved developing my characters, and I loved writing with my friends. And now it's just...gone.
So, I guess I'm making this blog in hopes to archive everything that I wanted to write in the role-play, in the book. All the ideas and head canons that I had, I'm just going to document them. I don't expect anyone to ever find this blog, either. But for some reason, I have a small hope that years from now I would have written the book, and people liked it, and they find this blog to have some sort of look on the inside while I planned and wrote this. The thought is just cool to me. But whatever. I doubt it'll happen.
Anyway, I don't know where to start with all of this. I was thinking about just posting one shots that I wrote with my girlfriend, but I don't want this blog to be just about AnthoBea. So I think I'm just gonna...go with it. There won't be any organization, or planning. I'll just be posting every week on Friday (although it's Thursday today. whoops.), about different things about the role-play.
If you find this, I'm sorry it's messy, and also confusing. I couldn't exactly...tell you how to make sense of it.

Also, I'm going to change a little about this blog, but not much. Probably just the url and title/description.